This used to be on "http://ilx.p3r.net/thread.php?msgid=4328588", which seems to be no longer available. It was recovered from "http://web.archive.org/". All links on this page do not work, the website seems to be no longer hosting this content.

Of course, copyright is with the authors, whoever they might be.

Answers

Jane Austen - Emma

Posh bird, enjoys matchmaking. Initial success tempered by inability to understand repercussions. Romance arrives with Mr Knightly. Everyone gets married. Emma learns lesson. Job done.

-- Mikey G (...), February 23rd, 2004. (9 trackbacks)

Pride and Prejudice.

High-principled woman who is not so superficial as to be taken in by wealth and good looks chooses the handsome, shaggable one anyway.

-- All Bunged Up. (qp10q...), February 23rd, 2004.

Watership Down by Richard Adams

Funny-named bunnies leave home based on psychic premonition, join cult, leave, find new home, notice no lady bunnies around, steal lady bunnies from farm.

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 23rd, 2004.

Faceless Killers - Henning Mankell

Swedish detective drinks a lot of luke warm coffee, complains about the weather and solves gruesome murders in slightly underhand manner.

-- Cathryn (cm...), February 23rd, 2004.

Ulysses

Bloom walks, wanks, drinks, chats, fights, reads, ogles, and meets a mopey Stephen Dedalus on June sixteenth, nineteen oh four.

-- The Second Drummer Drowned (jeremy721...), February 23rd, 2004.

Great Gatsby:

My next door neighbour has led a pretty strange life, but he lies half the time. Also, I am a bit strange.

-- Eyeball Kicks (eyeball_kick...), February 23rd, 2004.

Post Office by Charles Bukowski

I work at a job I hate, I drink too much and I like fucking crazy women.

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 23rd, 2004.

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

I'm stupid, I'm smart, I'm wicked smart, I die. And I have a pet mouse named Algernon.

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 23rd, 2004.

The Bible

Good opening chapter. Main character arrives halfway through, but gets killed off early. Some decent (if dated) commandments. Cracking ending. Slighty too open to interpretation.

-- Mikey G (...), February 23rd, 2004.

the sun also rises:

"Yes it is true. This man has no dick."

-- s1ocki (parrisactava...), February 23rd, 2004.

Animal Farm:

Beastiality and politics become one. Shit happens somewhere in there.

-- Spinktron 2000 (Marylan...), February 23rd, 2004.

Bob Dylan - Tarantula

Man writes novel. Shreds it. Then money arrives. Sticks it back together. Keeps money.

-- mark grout (mark.grou...), February 23rd, 2004.

Tom Robbins - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

Big thumbs. Hitchhiking. Lesbians on a ranch in South Dakota. Whooping cranes. Inexplicable horny Asian man. Standoff with the government. Beauty wins.

-- nickalicious (nza2342...), February 23rd, 2004.

John Steinbeck - Of Mice and Men

Two guys. One ain't right in the head. He's nice but too strong. He kills a lady. His best friend kills him. Fin.

-- nickalicious (nza2342...), February 23rd, 2004.

Requiem for a Dream by Hubert Selby Jr.

Heroin and diet pills are all fun and games until someone loses an arm.

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 23rd, 2004.

Under the Skin by Michael Faber

Lady picking up beefy hitch-hikers is actually animal-like being from outerspace, shipping back humans as meat for her alien race to eat.

(Moral: Never hitch-hike in Scotland if you're a well-muscled man!)

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 23rd, 2004.

Moby Dick:

Whacked out Captain Ahab chases a white whale, observed by a closet homosexual called Ishmael.

-- SRH (b5799...), February 23rd, 2004.

Vermont, you love this game, I can tell.

-- All Bunged Up. (qp10q...), February 23rd, 2004.

Chamberlain, Maine (Reuters - August 19th) - Rain of stones reported: Carrie White, a reportedly unpopular telekinetic fundamentalist highschooler burns down the town because of practical joke.

-- Øystein H-O (poholse...), February 23rd, 2004.

this thread is priceless. god bless each and every one of you..

-- scott seward (skotro...), February 23rd, 2004.

Catcher In The Rye:

He's a phoney.
She's a phoney too.
Play a song, stop showing off on the piano, phoney!
I wish I could catch the playing children.

-- Øystein H-O (poholse...), February 23rd, 2004.

we should do it without the titles and thus it becomes a game!

-- s1ocki (parrisactava...), February 23rd, 2004.

Well, we risk ending up describing 500 books in one sweoop though ("he's a modest, poor country boy; he must travel with an esoteric person; he discovers POWERS; he beats up someone. Ten follow-ups are written. Slowly.")

Anyhoo, let's see... I'll start with an easy-peasy one, since I'm a panda:

These book things are no good!
What do you mean read them?
Hmm, these are actually pretty cool.
I'd better run off to someplace secret!

-- Øystein H-O (poholse...), February 23rd, 2004.

I love my mate's wife. She loves me too. Wahay! But she sort of loves God.... then God takes her. I hate him! Bastard!

-- David Nolan (dnola...), February 24th, 2004.

the dram shop - zola

working-class woman takes charge of life. finds noble husband and opens shop. long, drawn-out, torturous descent into alcoholism, misery, gluttony, prostitution, insanity & death.

-- j c (foreignfishe...), February 24th, 2004.

many people live in a paris apartment. some of their lives are related. a dude makes a puzzle. there are inside jokes. life's a joke.

-- Begs2Differ (whothehel...), February 24th, 2004.

crap that should have been "a paris apartment building" but then it's too many words. I'm drunk on beer.

-- Begs2Differ (whothehel...), February 24th, 2004.

American Psycho

Money-obsessed snob rapes and tortures hookers with hamsters and acid, writes reviews of Whitney Houston before revealing mental instability and unreliability of book's narrative.

-- The Second Drummer Drowned (jeremy721...), February 24th, 2004.

Little people find jewellery that belongs to big people and travel miles to burn them.

-- dog latin (doglati...), February 24th, 2004.

precocious child returns from college. says jesus prayer and collapses. precocious brother has nice back, ulcer, tries to help. turns out, god is chicken soup.

(franny & zooey)

-- j c (foreignfishe...), February 24th, 2004.

Captain Correlli's Mandolin

Wartime love story set on Greek Island. Beautifully told as war rages in the background. Nicholas Cage with a cod Italian accent. No, fuck off.

-- Mikey G (...), February 24th, 2004.

A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

I'm fat and think, no, I know I'm better than everyone else.

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 24th, 2004.

Big Chief Tablets!

-- Mikey G (...), February 24th, 2004.

À la recherche du temps perdu - Marcel Proust

Guy wakes up, eats a cake, thinks about stuff, becomes a writer.

-- BabyBuddha (trangdre...), February 24th, 2004.

Absalom, Absalom - William Faulkner

Incest destroys the South.

-- Phastbuck (Phastbuc...), February 24th, 2004.

Native Son

Black Chicago kid beats off to film image of white debutante, scores, coincidentally, limo job in debutante's home, accidentally kills her, gets hunted down. Then there's this trial.

-- otto (ottomanjense...), February 24th, 2004.

Take George Eliot's bourgeois pastoral, transplant confusingly to Renaissance Florence. Compromise, apolocalypse (unrelated). Ending spookily identical to 'Crying Of Lot 49'. Best victorian novel evah.

-- Gregory Henry (gpalli...), February 24th, 2004.

(Romola)

-- Gregory Henry (gpalli...), February 24th, 2004.

young thug gets conk, goes to jail, finds Allah, becomes a great man, goes to Mecca, rethinks seperatist dogma, gets crushed by powers that be.

-- Fritz Wollner (fritzwollner5...), February 24th, 2004.

pamela:

virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue. virtue.
virtue. virture. virtue. virtue. virtue.

-- lauren (jaguarrid...), February 24th, 2004.

oh damn these are supposed to be novels! sorry.

-- Fritz Wollner (fritzwollner5...), February 24th, 2004.

I have to re-do my Flowers for Algernon one. I didn't seem to remember the ending correctly.

I'm stupid, I'm smart, I'm wicked smart, I'm wicked wicked smart, I'm stupid again. And I have a mouse called Algernon.

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 24th, 2004.

Finnegans Wake:

Eh...

-- SRH (b5799...), February 24th, 2004.

Gravity's Rainbow

Sloth or entropy? Who can tell, really?

-- otto (ottomanjense...), February 24th, 2004.

DING DING DING!!! I think we have a winner!

Otto - that is the most brilliant thing I've read today.

^_^

-- BabyBuddha (trangdre...), February 24th, 2004.

The Sound and the Fury

My retarded brother's castration may have had something to do with my bastard daughter, another brother's suicide, or another brother's general assholishness. Or maybe not.

-- DanielTheHead (head_th...), February 25th, 2004.

The Jungle

Jurgis immigrates with family,
marries,
job
kids
kids die
wife cheats
Jurgis beats
prison
wife dies
son dies
runs away
returns
prison
turns socialist

-- saline (y...), February 25th, 2004.

Generation X

Yuppies whine about how tough their lives are.

-- August (augus...), February 25th, 2004.

Regeneration

War is hell, but we can't shoot soldiers who go crazy anymore, so let them write poems instead.

-- August (augus...), February 25th, 2004.

Oddly opportune parental death leaves North Shore boy money, freedom, little brother. San Francisco beckons; carnival of irony ensues. Hey, lets move to Brooklyn!

-- rotten shark meat (marthacotto...), February 25th, 2004.

Dude, that's too easy. But I've got an easier one than even Dave "Paint a bull's-eye on my angst" Eggers...

Posh dandy tries matchmaking, wins enemies; beatings loom. Thank goodness for the fish-eating servant!

-- Ann Sterzinger (asterzinge...), February 25th, 2004.

An old lady, a coven of witches, a pack of wolves and some bees steal the holy grail. Pole shift. Civilization ends. Happy old lady.

~The Hearing Trumpet, by Leonora Carrington

-- Jorge (invisiblelibrar...), February 25th, 2004.

It's hard to compete with a boulevardier such as I. But this fellow has me looking over my shoulder! Ah, well, thank heaven for little girls ...

-- ccccccc (cccccc...), February 25th, 2004.

Sloth or entropy

I just realized this is an anagram of Tyrone Slothrop.

-- o. nate (syne_wav...), February 25th, 2004.

The Corrections - Jonathan Franzen

Disgruntled children misunderstanding their senile parents. Oh yeah, talking turds.

-- learned (ed...), February 25th, 2004.

"You Shall Know Our Velocity"

Asshole, Come to africa where i can purge cash and make factual mistakes before i drown at some point, i haven't worked this out properly.

-- jed_ (colin_ohar...), February 25th, 2004.

The Crying of Lot 49:

Conspiracy theories are a load of bollocks. Or are they?

-- SRH (b5799...), February 25th, 2004.

Call of the Wild:

Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

-- SRH (b5799...), February 25th, 2004.

Great Gatsby This is a story about the effects of money. They are not good.

-- Ike Stephenson (ik...), February 25th, 2004.

The Crimson Petal and the White, by Michel Faber

Upwardly mobile whore inspires man to get job. Wife leaves, dies; brother dies; kid leaves with whore. Man breaks leg.

-- BPG (cathy.be...), February 25th, 2004.

New York Trilogy, Paul Auster

"Are you the detective Paul Auster?" No, but I'll pretend I am. Actually I write detective novels, and now I'm pretending to be a detective! Later I get to meet the real Auster, who isn't a detective at all but the author of this post.

-- Paul Auster (pau...), February 25th, 2004.

The Lord of the Rings, by JRR Tolkien

Little guys go to a lot of trouble to get rid of stolen jewelry.

-- BPG (cathy.be...), February 25th, 2004.

Far From the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy

Three men infatuated with one beautiful woman. Guy she ends up with is too good for her.

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 25th, 2004.

The Collector by John Fowles

Boy meets girl, boy imprisons girl, girl withers away. Boy meets girl...

-- Chris Hill (chillou...), February 25th, 2004.

The Piano Tuner by Daniel Mason

Apocalypse Now but with Brahms instead of The Doors.

-- BPG (cathy.be...), February 25th, 2004.

Madame Bovary

"Is the grass greener on the other side? It must be. Oh, it isn't. Time to die."

-- Chris Hill (chillou...), February 25th, 2004.

Slaughterhouse Five by Vonnegut

"Being in World War II was so bad that now I hallucinate about aliens and time travel."

-- BPG (cathy.be...), February 25th, 2004.

Tess of the D'Urbervilles

Rural tart gets mixed up with local bounder. Dad is constantly pissed. Too upbeat? OK, I'll add a dead baby and a murder. Stonehenge. Hanging.

-- Mikey G (...), February 25th, 2004.

Man/Woman uncovers dark secret from law firm/corporation. Spends a lot of time xeroxing things.

Ok - I'm cheating. That's every John Grisham novel.

-- BabyBuddha (trangdre...), February 25th, 2004.

Robinson Crusoe:
Being a second son stinks, but so does being stuck on a desert island, building lots of things, and teaching a local to speak English.

-- SRH (b5799...), February 25th, 2004.

"Our Bodies, Ourselves"
Touching now and proud of it.

-- Cupie (tz_woma...), February 25th, 2004.

whoops, not a novel ;)

-- Cupie (tz_woma...), February 25th, 2004.

It's alright, I did the bible.

-- Mikey G (...), February 25th, 2004.

Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth: Pass me that sock, will you? Thanks.

-- chillythekid (jimmy....), February 25th, 2004.

Portrait of a Lady

Boy loves girl. "I'm too original for you," sniffs girl. Girl proves originality by marrying gold-digging asshole. First boy stalks girl.

-- Phil Christman (philipchristma...), February 25th, 2004.

The Idiot by Dostoevsky

"You're an idiot," says Rogozhin. "Yes," smiles Myshkin. "I'm going to mistreat a woman now," says Rogozhin. "Unhand her, you beast!" says Myshkin. His brain fries.

I also had a prof in college who liked to summarize all of Soviet Social Realism this way:
Boy meets tractor. Boy and tractor fall in love. Boy and tractor live happily ever after.

-- Phil Christman (philipchristma...), February 25th, 2004.

One last, not a novel:

Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung by Lester Bangs

WHOOP! Benzedrine's great Romilar's cheaper! NGK ZRRRRZSSST Noise is primal actfact of funky/tragic pullulation (cf. Velvets, 1965) ZAP! OK, what was I talking about?

-- Phil Christman (philipchristma...), February 25th, 2004.

John Henry Days
"You never know when someone might die, but you can always count on a writer mooching"

-- Cali (ikbuen...), February 25th, 2004.

In the Cut.
Blowjob, observed. Hot Cop. Cop's a killer? Screw him. Then, again, again. Wait, student's obsessive. Oh. This is quite bad. I'm dead.

-- Art Linkletter (peterpipe...), February 25th, 2004.

The Unnamable

I think therefore I am...but that's it, baby.

-- Not That Chuck (noemai...), February 25th, 2004.

Brave New World

A frenzy of drugs and sex, somewhat like a frat house, only in the near future.

-- loveisreal (treefrogscot...), February 25th, 2004.

Middlesex:

She's a man, baby! Or is s/he?

-- tl (to...), February 25th, 2004.

The Rabbit Series by John Updike

Being young is better than being old. Marriage sucks. Men are assholes.

-- Chris Jay (chri...), February 25th, 2004.

I will always be alone. I'm so filled with sickness and bitterness that i deliberately sabotaged my one chance at love. Remind you of anyone?

Dostoyevsky "Notes From Underground"

-- jed_ (colin_ohar...), February 25th, 2004.

[Greek] Daylight...Been a long night and something ain't right...Head games, I don't wanna play the...Head games...[slap!]

The Magus by John Fowles (9/10ths of this, Foreigner)

-- Chris Hill (chillou...), February 25th, 2004.

Please assist me
"i would prefer not to"
tell me why
"i would prefer not to"
you used to sort dead letters...
"I am dead now"

Batleby the Scrivener

-- jed_ (colin_ohar...), February 25th, 2004.

Lolita

Get there before the hair.

-- el kabong (vargz...), February 25th, 2004.

Lolita

If there's grass on the field, then play ball.

-- el kabong (vargz...), February 25th, 2004.

Naked Lunch

What an asshole. No, seriously, what an asshole!

-- el kabong (vargz...), February 25th, 2004.

"Religion is a delightful smorgasbord! By the way, I survived crossing the Pacific in a lifeboat with a Bengal Tiger." You gonna believe this guy?

-Life of Pi

-- Robomonkey (patronus1...), February 25th, 2004.

One part Seinfeld, one part Stephen Wright, three parts Updikean WASP.

The Mezzanine by Nicholson Baker

-- DanielTheHead (danielmcdermo...), February 26th, 2004.

A spoiled rich southern belle is so obsessed with getting what she can’t have that she looses what she does. There’s the civil war, too.

-- Kathryn L. (faeriestarlyt...), February 26th, 2004.

Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther

If you're having girl problems I feel bad for you son; I got ninety-nine problems but a bitch ain't one.

-- B. Michael Payne (bpayn...), February 26th, 2004.

hahahahaha

-- Sym (shmuelm4...), February 26th, 2004.

speaking of 99 problems (this isn't book related, sorry)

visit grey tuesday to download the grey album before emi blocks it for good. jay-z's black album mixed with the beatle's white album. v good.

back to the books...

-- Vermont Girl (amylstende...), February 26th, 2004.

THE MAGUS
by John Fowles

conchis shoots 85 greeks. it drives him insane. he kidnaps nicholas and fucks with his head using greek culture. nazis and penises.

-- Jackson Mississippi (jacksonmis...), February 26th, 2004.

INVISIBLE MAN
by Ralph Ellison

whitey sucks. DESTRUCTION!

CATCH-22
by Joseph Heller

war totally sucks. i don't want to die. i want sex. sex is good. everyone is crazy. crazy is funny. funny is tragic. JUMP!

-- Jackson Mississippi (jacksonmis...), February 26th, 2004.

As I Lay Dying
By William Faulkner

If only they had a hearse.

-- gir1 detective (ebb21...), February 26th, 2004.

War and Peace: It's about Russia. (Woody Allen)

-- pepektheassassin (tr3joyc...), February 26th, 2004.

Les Miserables

Huge guy is bad, then becomes really good. Rescues a bunch of people. They all abandon him, but he saves more people anyway, then dies.

-- Lara Murphy (filthycut...), February 26th, 2004.

White Noise by Don DeLillo

Consumerism sucks. But not as much as death. Actually it's not so bad. Unlike death. Also, the art of being funny by not being funny.

-- Jordan (j0rdanc0h3...), February 26th, 2004.

Fight Club

I hate my life. Almost as much as Marla. Anarchy is liberating. No, anarchy is bad. Wait, anarchy is, I don't know. Ask me. The other me.

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), February 26th, 2004.

Last Orders by Graham Swift:

"Boy, the meat trade really fucks you up, doesn't it?"

Jane Eyre:

"Everybody who gets in my way, suffers. MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-- Paul G. Jennings (pgj1...), February 27th, 2004.

The James Bond Series by Ian Fleming:

Bond only eats margerine from Fortnums. Bond wears P.J.s. Bond is good at everything. Bond feels bad about killing. Bond hates women but shags many. Author has teeny-tiny penis.

-- David Nolan (dnola...), February 27th, 2004.

The God of Small Things

India's cool. I want to fuck my brother. My mom's lover got lynched. India's not so cool.

-- otto (ottomanjense...), February 27th, 2004.

The Lovely Bones.

I was raped and murdered. Still, look on the bright side.

-- All Bunged Up. (qp10q...), February 27th, 2004.

The Long Goodbye

The bastard lied to me.

-- LondonLee (le...), February 27th, 2004.

Brideshead Revisited.

Rich people are cool, especially Catholic ones.

-- LondonLee (le...), February 27th, 2004.

American Psycho.

Whitney Houston made me do it.

-- LondonLee (le...), February 27th, 2004.

The End of The Affair.

God can be a right bastard sometimes.

-- LondonLee (le...), February 27th, 2004.

City of Light by Lauren Belfer:

Boo, Grover Cleveland. Boo.

-- Oddrey (oddmonste...), February 27th, 2004.

Isaac Asimov's Foundation Series

Stuff makes other stuff happen.

-- Jordan (j0rdanc0h3...), February 27th, 2004.

Animal Farm

All revolutions devour their young, especially when they taste like chicken.

-- LondonLee (le...), February 27th, 2004.

American Pastoral

I hate hippies.

-- LondonLee (le...), February 27th, 2004.

Asimov's I, Robot
Here's three rules. Here's why they suck.

-- Øystein H-O (poholse...), February 27th, 2004.

(so much for 25 words, heh)

-- Øystein H-O (poholse...), February 27th, 2004.

yeah man - 25 WORDS, not 25 words OR LESS!

-- jed_ (colin_ohar...), February 28th, 2004.

The Electri Kool Aid Acid Test- by Tom Wolfe

Kesey takes LSD, makes a commune, gathers followers, uses day-glo, becomes paranoid, burns out. Author tripped out as well.

-- iguanadon (lvermeu...), February 28th, 2004.

Winter's Tale -- Mark Helprin

New York New York, big city of dreams, and everything in New York ain't always what it seems. (Like, for instance, I'm a Republican)

-- spittle (ptu...), February 28th, 2004.

Fight Club (Redux)

I read this book. Because Tyler read this book.

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), February 28th, 2004.

Coraline

Whoooo oooo! Quaint little girl scares the crap out of grown up readers.

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), February 28th, 2004.

Naked Lunch

Heroin eyeball. Razor. Control fuck. Is.

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), February 28th, 2004.

>> yeah man - 25 WORDS, not 25 words OR LESS!
>> -- jed_ (colin_ohar...), February 28th, 2004.

Hey, man, that's like, only 9 words :)

The I Robot summary was one of the most spot on in the whole list.

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), February 28th, 2004.

Umberto Eco _Foucault's Pendulum_

Three guys get obsessed and die proving that conspiracy theories are the new opium for the masses.

-- tully (tull...), February 28th, 2004.

The Sound and the Fury -William Faulkner

Benji's golf balls fell by Caddy, laughing, as her underwear stained and so the son in time stills as a hat drifts another Southern weight pushed through the servants, the father, the oaks.

-- Joseph Brodsky (inf...), February 28th, 2004.

_The Heart is a Lonely Hunter_ McCullers (?)

A poor, depressing town. A bunch of pathetic folks tell their problems to a deaf man. Deaf man kills himself to be rid of them.

-- Timothy Klein (teec...), February 28th, 2004.

Man With the Red and Green Eyes
autobiography of New York traffic commisioner) Henry Barns

//

My Colorful Career Fixing Things Up for a Bunch of Unappreciative Nitwits.

-- Tom Chalkley (cpforu...), February 28th, 2004.

Blood Meridian, by Cormac McCarthy

Let's go kill some people. Now they're killing us. We better kill more people. Now let's kill each other.

-- mcdowell (mcdowellcroo...), February 28th, 2004.

Gravity's Rainbow:

Slothrop gets it on where rockets fall, hops Channel, wanders wasted Europe. Stuff happens. Bleicher launches V-2 complete with sex slave. Good bye Los Angeles?

-- palinode (palinod...), February 28th, 2004.

Ender's Game, by Card

Ender's a vicious little boy, but it's not his fault. Ender learns to make people work together. Ender wins. By the way, Wiggins rule Earth.

-- Afgn Caap (afgncaa...), February 28th, 2004.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

The looney bin is better than prison. Everyone should rebel. Electroshock bites, but fishing's cool. Crap, Ratched won. Sometimes death's the only escape from suckage.

-- Afgn Caap (afgncaa...), February 28th, 2004.

Quicksilver, by Neal Stepehenson

Here's some savants. Here's some vagabonds. Look, they're sort of connected! I'll tell you about it later.

-- Neal Shrader (nealshrade...), February 28th, 2004.

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Murakami): I can hardly wait, baby, I can hardly wait, 'til we go down to the well, down to the well...

-- Timmeh! (timothy_rubac...), February 28th, 2004.

This book is about me. It's not about the history of India at all. Noooo. Not one bit. Did I mention I'm a superhero?

(Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie)

-- Chris Conroy (chri...), February 28th, 2004.

Illywhacker, by Peter Carey
We Australians sure are whacky, aren't we?

-- 235w103 (235w10...), February 28th, 2004.

Flaubert's Parrot (Julian Barnes):
Hi, I'm English. Flaubert Flaubert Flaubert Flaubert Flaubert Flaubert Flaubert Flaubert. Also, I killed by wife. Sort of. Fin.

-- 235w103 (235w10...), February 28th, 2004.

Erm - Twenty-five words exactly:

Quicksilver - Neal Stephenson

Here's some savants. Here's some vagabonds. Look, they're sort of connected! I'll tell you about it after I finish meticulously detailing the entire 17th century.

-- Neal Shrader (nealshrade...), February 28th, 2004.

Infinite Jest (david foster wallace)

I'm fucked up. There are lots of drugs(1) America is addicted to pleasure. Lookout, handicapped(2) quebecois!

(1) ie, meperedine hyrdochloride, Dalmane, Stelazine.
(2) they played with trains.

-- colin (coli...), February 28th, 2004.

The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy - by Douglas Adams

Vogon poetry is awful, perspective even worse. Earth is mostly harmless. Don't panic, but remember your towel. The answer to life, universe, and everything? 42.

-- edverb (quarryman133...), February 28th, 2004.

Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand

Trains are great. Too bad human beings screw them up so bad. Now, you'll have to excuse me while I step on your face. Commie.

-- Neal Shrader (nealshrade...), February 28th, 2004.

Heart of Darkness

Guy wants to go to Africa. Has to fetch this Kurtz fellow. Africa is fucking crazy but not as crazy as Kurtz. Narrator: namesless twit.

-- Zachatollah (korteza...), February 28th, 2004.

The Wizard of Oz

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.

- http://www.jokeemail.com/tv/tv1.htm

-- Ooga Booga (12...), February 28th, 2004.

Dune:

I will not fear plans within plans to swallow spice worms in a dry throat.

-- freedom tickler (corey...), February 28th, 2004.

Don Quixote-

(Quixote) - I am a chivalric knight! (Sancho) No, I'm afraid you are delusional. (Quixote) Well, fine. I'll just die.

-- brad thomas (bthoma...), February 28th, 2004.

Moby Dick-

(Ishmael) Where is that damn whale? (everyone else) You're crazy! (Ishmael) Ah, there it is.

-- brad thomas (bthoma...), February 28th, 2004.

Oedipus Rex

You had sex with your Mom.
No, I didn't. Oh, wait...yes I did. Crap.

-- brad thomas (bthoma...), February 28th, 2004.

Of Mice and Men-

(George) Try not to act dumb. (Lennie) Okay. oh, crap. (George) Bam!

-- brad thomas (bthoma...), February 28th, 2004.

Jurassic Park-
(International Genetic Technologies) Look! We made some dinosaurs! (John, Alan, and Ellie) Watch out! They'll kill us all! (International Genetic Technologies) Damn, you're right.

-- bradthomas (bthoma...), February 28th, 2004.

I Am Legend -

Jesus, look at all the vampires on my lawn. I'll just hang out here until they eventually kill me.

-- bradthomas (bthoma...), February 28th, 2004.

The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy-

42.

-- brad thomas (bthoma...), February 28th, 2004.

Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller -

Absinthe, whores, fuck, cunt, whores, VD, absinthe, Paris, absinthe, whores, pubic hair, absinthe, what? whores, whores, boredom, let's go fuck some whores, absinthe.

-- josh schulman (shinybeas...), February 28th, 2004.

Wonder Boys by Michael Chabon

I can't seem to finish my next book, but I still teach kids to write anyway. Adultery creates, and eventually solves, all of my problems.

-- ipe (ipe2...), February 29th, 2004.

Wheel of Time, all eighty books, Bob Jordan.

Rand's the dragon. Now, here's Lamgwin, Reene, Selande, Carlinya, Wil, Lir, Darlin, Melaine, Gedwin, Renaille, Bela and Else. Are they important? Read and Find Out.

-- Afgn Caap (afgncaa...), February 29th, 2004.

The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury

The colonists' diseases ravaged the natives as those back home annihilated themselves. "Who wants a hot dog?" Where are the Martians, Daddy? In the pool.

-- trvolk (mischie...), February 29th, 2004.

Great Expectations, Dickens.

I'm Pip. Who's my benefactor. Is she Havisham? No, the ex-con. I love Estella. She uses me for twisted games. Life's easier when you're poor.

-- Afgn Caap (afgncaa...), February 29th, 2004.

A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens

Marley: Boo. Ebenezer: You're bad meat. Marley: You'll see.
Past: You weren't happy. Present: You aren't happy. Future: You're dead. Ebenezer: Sorry, Timmy! Happy Christmas.

-- Afgn Caap (Afgncaa...), February 29th, 2004.

The Stand by Stephen King

The flu kills almost everyone but God won't stop there. The antichrist learns the hard way that idiot savants shouldn't run a nuclear weapons program.

-- ipe (ipe2...), February 29th, 2004.

The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand

I'm naked on a cliff. I'm expelled, get a dead end job, rape a woman, become successful. I blow up a building, marry my victim.

-- Jeanette V (jeanett...), February 29th, 2004.

Anthem, Ayn Rand

We're from a collective. But we're not part of it now. We mean, I'm not. I? Yes, I. I don't like collectives anymore. Yay, ego!

-- Jeanette V (jeanett...), February 29th, 2004.

(and, okay, to finish the other two ayn rands before someone else butchers 'em)

Atlas Shrugged:

Who is John Galt? I don't know. Oh, now I do. He's destroying the world. I will help. Now it's gone. We're very happy together.

We the Living:

Lenin sucks. I love a man. Then I have sex with another man. The first guy is abusive. The second guy dies. I die, too.

-- Jeanette V (jeanett...), February 29th, 2004.

Old Yeller

My dog got rabies. Bang.

-- Scott L (varels...), February 29th, 2004.

Shane

I'm innocent. Bang.

-- Scott L (varels...), February 29th, 2004.

Blood Music

Oh look, Nanotech! Big Bang.

-- Scott L (varels...), February 29th, 2004.

Candy, Terry Southern

Bang! Daddy!

-- trvolk (mischie...), February 29th, 2004.

Misery

I love your books. Write me one. Trying to leave, huh? Bang.

-- Afgn Caap (afgncaa...), February 29th, 2004.

Infinite Jest:

Boy, this is a good movie. Canadians are scary. Don't do drugs.

-- Brado (wallace_bra...), February 29th, 2004.

Incest is bad, mmmkay? "Born with the tail of a pig" can be a metaphor too. It takes one hundred years to learn this lesson.

-Gabriel Garcia Marquez

-- mike phelan (mrphela...), February 29th, 2004.

Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Young man moves to the boondocks and finds it nice and quiet. This
discovery has influenced millions around the world. Rather insightful. No
sex.

-- AjD (bookaj...), February 29th, 2004.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Vegas ahead. We have drugs. We do them. This race sucks. This town is degenerate. The sixties were cool. Cops are silly. Going home.

-- nil (ratherno...), February 29th, 2004.

Three Sisters, by Anton Chekhov:

Three Russian sisters want to go to Moscow. They don't go.

-- D.Nash (danchgo2...), February 29th, 2004.

Boy is born, acquires mean stepfather, loses same. Finds nice aunt and felonious redhead. Marries in haste, repents at leisure. Hero of his own life.

(David Copperfield)

Girl is born, loses parents, finds nice man and big house to clean. Watches as red tape strangles youth and beauty.

(Bleak House)

-- jefu (jef...), February 29th, 2004.

The Man Who Was Thursday (D.K. Chesterton):

There are seven anarchists. Oh, wait, six of them are policemen trying to find the other six. One of them is God.

-- Ethan Struby (elstrub...), February 29th, 2004.

Cosmopolis by Don DeLillo

I'm über-powerful. sex. wed perfection but don't know her. sex. 'misplace' billions. sex. killer where? sex. what’s pain? lets shoots hand. nothing more to live for.

(I’m taking one of the unused words for my quota)

-- Liz C (silica2...), February 29th, 2004.

Fight Club (again) --

The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club.

-- ashley jade (perks...), February 29th, 2004.

I'm just a little boy at school. Yay, I found whores! Eek, I saw hell! Oh fuck, it's God! Non servium! Turns out, Ireland blows.

(Joyce - Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man)

-- Chris Conroy (chri...), February 29th, 2004.

Musical prodigy receives all sorts of erudite training growing up, becomes leader of civilized world, plays best game ever, retires, imagines other lives, and dies.

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

And the one I posted at Metafilter:

I'm homeless, I've got one leg, whoops, now both are shit. I'm a detective, I've got a son, whoops, now I don't. Who's writing this?

(Beckett - Molloy)

-- Chris Conroy (chri...), February 29th, 2004.

Hitler got me tenure. Shit, what's that in the sky? Sure, we're all postmodern consumer whores, but the real question is: who's fucking my wife?

(Don DeLillo - White Noise)

-- Chris Conroy (chri...), February 29th, 2004.

Jewish TV producer lusts after women and single malt whisky, kills best friend, hits on another woman at his wedding. Gets Alzheimer's, dies lonely.

"Barney's Version", Mordecai Richler

-- antifreez (wd...), February 29th, 2004.

In the future, there will be robots. I love you, Decker. Dance for me.

(Phillip K. Dick - Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?)

And yes, I have memorized all of the commercials on Wave 103 in GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY. Kill me now.

-- Chris Conroy (chri...), February 29th, 2004.

Hackworth renegs on deal; girl learns from nanobook; many technologies are explained; Judge Fang, Dr. X help orphan girls; and as war comes, book ends.

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

You can be my baby, it don't matter if you're black or white. Unfortunately, my ex-husband is psychotic. So we might end up dead.

(Philip Roth - THE HUMAN STAIN)

I'm going to stop now...

-- Chris Conroy (chri...), February 29th, 2004.

Children exercise imagination while hiding in furniture, "remythologizing" the story of Jesus; all the saved animals dance when God wins. Only Professor believes the children.

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

All the women I know are psychotically out to get me. I'm a little twisted myself and confusing things keep happening to me. What's real?

(a novel by PKDick)

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

when your being sodomized who cares if its from the "left" or the "right."

Desade- "justine or Good Conduct Well Chastised'

-- Bill Me (oxhar...), February 29th, 2004.

where's your mother, not here today?
i think i'll let myself in to play.
let's play, me and you,
let's see what these Things do!

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

lennon's dead, husband's dead, the bishop's lover's dead, the bishop died alone in the desert looking for early christians. maybe this retarded boy can help.

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

Mortars are effective guerilla weapons. I wasn't a great racist revolutionary, but made up my faults via martyrdom operation. Now i am a patriot saint.

Turner Diaries

-- ozzy mandias (oz...), February 29th, 2004.

Curse Of The Bambino by Shank
1918 Ruth sold for cash Snodgrass mad dash Williams fails to mash 67 year of the Yaz Buckner's ball doesn't bounce true Curses foiled again

-- Grady Little (clydehors...), February 29th, 2004.

Shigekune Honda meets Kiyoaki Matsugae's soul every eighteen years: Isao, Chantrapa, Toru, each meeting worse, as Western modernity dilutes the once glorious culture of Japan.

The Sea of Fertility, tetralogy (4 books, sorry), Yukio Mishima

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

Young man denounces religion; learns the virtues of thought, patience and fasting. The river tells all and in the end, friends are all that matters.

-- Xenocide (xeno_cid...), February 29th, 2004.

The Things They Carried

Although it seemed terrrible at the time, we survivors, who are still sane and solvent, actually amassed a lot of poignant anecdotes while in Vietnam.

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

"Hal, please send my manuscript to the printer."
i'm sorry, Dave, i cannot do that
"Come on, Hal!"
i'm sorry, Da -- Dave, don't do tha--

-- mwerp (missy_wer...), February 29th, 2004.

Sinclair Lewis, It Can't Happen Here

neocon junta steals american election, stages false flag op, declares war on everybody, suspends the constitution, people are disappeared -- oh wait, it can happen here.

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), February 29th, 2004.

Paradise Lost - by John Milton

The story of genesis - conjured in dulcet prose. Satan is imbued with such humanity that one is tempted to root for him. I did. Pity.

-- Jake jeckle (jakejeckle.20.roote...), February 29th, 2004.

Oranges are not the Only Fruit:

When one is going to Heaven, one gives not a shit about other people.

-- SRH (b5799...), February 29th, 2004.

The Iliad

Lots of guys fight for 10 years over a girl that isn't theirs. Arrogance is brought to heel.

The Odyssey

Guy takes 10 years to return from fight over girl before he comes home to his wife. She's unusually understanding.

The Aeneid

W3 R0M^NS ARE L33T T00!! AND 0UR B1TCH3S R0CK!!

Hamlet

My family's fucked up. I'll pretend to be crazy, lull them into a false sense of security and kill them.

-- pyramid termite (wombatgran...), February 29th, 2004.

The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair

You might want to read the ingredients on that package of sausage....

Christine, by Steven King

When automobiles attack....

The Iliad, by Homer

Long boats trips, many battles. Man, the woman had best be awake when I get home.

-- Jack Cluth (yuppiesku...), February 29th, 2004.

Bonfire of the Vanities: Rich spoiled man accidentally kills someone, lies, gets caught, loses all, learns humility. Film adapation sucks.

-- Greg (belize04...), February 29th, 2004.

A Simple Plan, by Scott Smith

Three can keep a secret if two are dead. Well, shit, I guess not. Live and learn.

-- Greg (belize04...), February 29th, 2004.

To Have and Have Not, Hemingway

Rum running; more than a job, it's an adventure. If I die, I guess my wife can support herself as a prostitute.

-- Greg (belize04...), February 29th, 2004.

masochist marries codex, blushes at other guy. Doctor marries chit. Having money is as bad as not having money - or is it? Get married!

Middlemarch

-- nmhiggins (didactictras...), February 29th, 2004.

Jude the Obscure

Boy goes to school, marries hussy, she throws pig genitals at him, they divorce, he falls in love. Incest babies kill themselves. Sad.

-- Sofi (hi_sof...), February 29th, 2004.

Correction to above's Jude the Obscure:

Boy goes to school, marries hussy, she throws pig genitals at him, they divorce, he falls in love with COUSIN. Incest babies kill themselves. Sad.

-- Sofi (hi_sof...), February 29th, 2004.

Lord of the Flies

Group of kids and a fat kid get stranded. Find a counch. Go crazy and kill a pig. Then killed the fat kid.

-- Mike Lawson (mrlawson1...), February 29th, 2004.

"There you have it." (intermission) "There you have it." "Shall we go?". "Yes lets go." (They do not move.)

(Waiting For Godot - alright, its a play not a novel.)

"Going down."
"Lobby. Pagans, Philosophers, The Unlucky."
"Basement. Icky People."
"SubBasement. Really Icky People.
"SubSubBasement. Seriously Icky People."
...
"Bottom. All out. Elevator up over there."

(The Inferno. Dante Alighieri)

-- jefu (jef...), February 29th, 2004.

The Hours by Michael Cunningham

I'm not gay, but I like to kiss women. Some say I hate my life, but in reality I'm just far too melodramatic. (Except Virginia.)

-- Martin Bourqui (sale...), February 29th, 2004.

Top five desert island plot points...
1) Guy loses girl
2) Obsesses over girls he's nailed.
3) Listens to records
4) Nails musician
5) Gets out of rut, back with girlfriend.

(High Fidelity - Nick Hornby)
Film adaptation is pretty good, John Cusack is loveable.

-- John Papamarko (mrshankle...), February 29th, 2004.

Sloth or entropy

I just realized this is an anagram of Tyrone Slothrop.

I would NEVER have noticed. that was brilliant. utterly brilliant.

-- sara (fo...), February 29th, 2004.

Big Sur.

I can't think of anything to write, so I'll isolate myself on a beach. No, still can't write. Apart from this waffle.

-- All Bunged Up. (qp10q...), February 29th, 2004.

Thought my boss died. Oh, wait, I did. That explains my car morphing into earlier models, and my face showing up on his dimes!

-- John G (joh...), February 29th, 2004.

A Clockwork Orange

Teens beat, steal and rape. Teen gets caught. Brainwashing ensues. Violent teens are now cops. Unbrainwashing ensues. Violence = bad. Choosing violence = good. Milk = good.

=s are not words.

-- Khet (kheturu...), February 29th, 2004.

My family's oppressive, and I'm lonely and dying. I'll marry the local scoundrel for kicks. Wait, I'm healthy! Thank God my husband's a disguised millionaire.

(The Blue Castle, L.M. Montgomery)

-- a bree (adashbre...), February 29th, 2004.

The Secret History, Donna Tartt

Weird dream; thought we killed someone last night. We did. Friend with funny name will talk. Must kill friend first.

-- Greg (Belize04...), March 1st, 2004.

Even though he’s been boffing her, Mike Hammer finds it’s easy to gut-shoot the naked nymphomaniac psychoanalyst who murdered his best friend.

-- Buzz Dixon (Realbuzz...), March 1st, 2004.

If On A Winter's Night A Traveller, Italo Calvino

You are a reader who only ever gets to read the first chapter of ten books. It's infuriating but you do get laid.

-- jj (joann...), March 1st, 2004.

Naked Lunch, william s. burroughs

lee shoots up bug powder, shoots wife, goes to tangier, gets hooked on opiates/black centipede meat,friends worry but love his book. GAY SEX!

-- Jonathan Brown (mafiapic...), March 1st, 2004.

War of the Worlds - H.G. Wells

Martians kick our asses but then get a cold and die.

-- Toby H. (weedsmokinj...), March 1st, 2004.

Longitude.

I won your stupid prize... No you didn't (50 years later) ok you did.

-- Toby H. (weedsmokinj...), March 1st, 2004.

any of Michael Crichton's non-medical books:

Isn't cutting-edge technology wonderful?! Wait, that shouldn't be happening ... FUCK!

I'm sure glad I survived - If only we'd respected nature.

-- est (summarisenove...), March 1st, 2004.

Some of you are mistaking 'capture the essence of the novel' with 'summarize the novel'.

-- trvolk (mischie...), March 1st, 2004.

err, nevermind. ;-P

-- dipshit (mischie...), March 1st, 2004.

Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoevsky

I'm poor. Let's rob and kill a pawnbroker who sucks. Yay, for murder! Let's go insane and confess. Yay Siberia!

-- StephenV (mai...), March 1st, 2004.

The DarkTower Series - Stephen King

Book 1 - The Gunslinger
Roland follows guy through desert. Massacres a town. Finds boy. Drops boy off bridge. Finally meets guy on beach

Book 2 - The Drawing of the Three
Crabs eat his fingers. Walks up the beach and finds "portal doors": out of which come an ex-junkie dude (after a gunfight), a black schizo chick in a wheelchair who wants to kill whitey. Schizo turns normal.

Book 3 - The Waste Lands
Cripple chick gets raped, boy that fell off the bridge hops out of a hole in the ground. They kill a robot bear. "Stairway to Heaven" will get you crucified in this town. Suicidal robot train wants to derail.

Book 4 - Wizard and Glass
Welcome to Kansas. Hi it's me RF. Flash back. Roland had sex once. He and some buds killed a bunch of thugs and a witch. Roland's chick dies. He goes home and kills his mom by accident.

Book 5 - Wolves of the Calla
Robots are stealing kid's IQs. Cripple chick is pregnant. You are told to go read Salem's Lot. They kill a bunch of robots and the cripple chick runs off to a cave with a portal door.

-- StephenV (mai...), March 1st, 2004.

The Neon Bible - John Kennedy Toole
Kid in small town. Dad goes to war, dies. Mom goes nuts, dies, gets buried in back yard. Preacher comes by to take her to take her to mental ward, gets PWNED. Kid runs off.

-- StephenV (mai...), March 1st, 2004.

Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

Suave European pedophile tries to convince us he's human, while providing his very particular view of 50s America. Sharp wit, unreliable narrator, sick love story.

-- adammmmmm (spor...), March 1st, 2004.

Oh, mysterious woman! You entice me, yet keep disappearing. Let's reflect on the history of 20th century Japan while I mope.

- almost every Haruki Murakami novel ever.

also:
>>Musical prodigy receives all sorts of erudite training growing up, becomes leader of civilized world, plays best game ever, retires, imagines other lives, and dies. <<

I give up! What is this one?

-- verbminx (verbmin...), March 1st, 2004.

Twelve Caesars by Suetonius

Julius is a genius. Caesars 2 - 12 are mentally disturbed. According to the gossip round the forum, Tiberius was in to little children.

-- Glossop (nick.eyno...), March 1st, 2004.

Cory Doctorow's "Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom"

We've removed all cause for conflict. Let's murder and cheat on each other and blog it. This book's free if you like me in return.

(Read the book: http://craphound.com/down/
It's a fun novella, but it's also Doctorow's blatant internet-centered utopia.)

-- Nick Douglas (douglasnw...), March 1st, 2004.

I expected a boat at mid-day to take me to the woman I left behind in New York. That ship never came. Beside me is a knife. My end.

-- John Parman (Parma...), March 1st, 2004.

Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem

I have Tourette's. I want to be a detective. Ooh, now I am. Still have Tourette's though. My name is Prince and I am funky.

-- Jordan (j0rdanc0h3...), March 1st, 2004.

In Search of Lost Time

Wow, damn good cookie!

-- Not That Chuck (noemai...), March 1st, 2004.

>>Hackworth renegs on deal; girl learns from nanobook; many >>technologies are explained; Judge Fang, Dr. X help orphan girls; >>and as war comes, book ends.
Diamond Age, kicks ass

>>any of Michael Crichton's non-medical books:
>>Isn't cutting-edge technology wonderful?! Wait, that shouldn't be happening ... FUCK!
>>I'm sure glad I survived - If only we'd respected nature.

So true, so very, very true

Brighton Rock:

Man is dead. Whodunnit? Him! Oh, damn. So, nice weather we've been having then? Horse races, razor blades, being poor sucks, oh look a cliff.

-- Jamsque (jamsqu...), March 1st, 2004.

The Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown

American historian and French babe break secret codes, hustle through Europe, search for Holy Grail. Did you know that Jesus and Mary Magdalene got hitched?

-- Matt Kuzma (kuzmatt...), March 1st, 2004.

I am a witty newspaper man asked to commit murder while investigating drugs on the beach. I get very rich. Much better than the movie.

-- Drew M. (libraryninj...), March 1st, 2004.

Any given Robert Langdon novel by Dan Brown:

World reknowned smart guy is killed, hero called. Langdon wakes up, runs around with smart EuroBabe, visits tourist attractions, is betrayed, then resolves ancient conspiracy.

-- Drew M. (libraryninj...), March 1st, 2004.

Girl is transported to a surreal world where she kills the first person she encounters then joins a group of strangers to kill again.

The Wizard of OZ

-- Mike Tong (miketong...), March 1st, 2004.

Death of a Salesman

Willy: My boys are great.
Biff: No pop, we are dime a dozen.
Willy kills himself.

-- Fred Pilcher (fredd...), March 1st, 2004.

The Man Who Fell to Earth -Walter Tevis

Alien comes to earth, becomes a drunk, gets blinded.

-- Jason Sapp (jcraigsap...), March 1st, 2004.

Good Omens - Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett:

We lost the Antichrist. He's a normal boy. Agents from Hell and Heaven are friends. Subtle message: society sucks.

-- hao2lian (hao22lia...), March 1st, 2004.

1984- Orwell

There's an annoying government, but apart from that nothing important happens at all.

-- icannotthinkofagoodusername (na...), March 1st, 2004.

The Productive members of society get tired of supporting everyone and getting shit on for it. They split. The rest of America goes to shit.

-- Jake Jeckle (fuckdisshi...), March 1st, 2004.

The ghosts are real. Or they're not real. One kid goes nuts. Other kid dies. I love that governess.

-- Casey Abell (caseyabell...), March 1st, 2004.

Of Mice And Men

retarded guy named George and normal guy named Lenny make friends and get jobs, retarded guy kills someone normal guy kills retarded guy. good stuff.

-- Laura S (listentot...), March 1st, 2004.

His Dark Materials trilogy - Philip Pullman.

Girl and embodied soul flee "Lady Macbeth" Mum, meet parallel boy. Help ambitious Dad defeat God. Fall in love, much symbolism, split up, many tears.

-- dominic2 (dom...), March 1st, 2004.

"Round The Bend", by Nevil Shute

Brit meets weird foreign guy at airshow. Brit hires foreign guy to fix aeroplane engines. Turns out he's Jesus. Planes work great. Everybody dies celibate.

-- Mean Old Man (irascibleoldgrum...), March 1st, 2004.

On the Road - Kerouac

In a car with a redneck with ADHD, smoke reefer, go to mexico, find sluts, go home.

-- The Dude (dg92...), March 1st, 2004.

Junky - William S. Borroughs

Herion is good, no wait, it's bad. Wait. It's good, or maybe it's a lifestyle choice. No wait, young boys are better.

-- The Dude (dg92...), March 1st, 2004.

Howards End

Boy, Victorian and Edwardian society is strict. A Cottage and cradle robbing are thrown into the mix, and rich mingle with the poor a little.

-- Lizzy (biffy8...), March 1st, 2004.

Exodus, Leon Uris

Holocaust, nurse, ship, Palestine, Jews, Arabs suck, British suck. Hero gets girl.

The Haj, Leon Uris

Arabs suck, Muslims suck, and suck and suck and suck. Hero goes nuts.

-- john grace (whyno...), March 1st, 2004.

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas

Gambling, sex, and Johnny Depp are cool. But drugs are better.

-- The Dude (dg92...), March 1st, 2004.

Revolutionary Road

"Honey, wouldn't life be easier if you were more intelligent, if I actually wanted kids, if we had a modicum of courage and if Ike wasn't ruling the country?"

-- Muiris (muiri...), March 1st, 2004.

The entire Tom Wolfe catalogue

"I am clearly smarter than you. Eat my dust."

-- Micheal (iswallowedahipp...), March 1st, 2004.

B. Traven - The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

Three guys seek Mexican gold. Hardship, privation and bandits. There is much mutual suspicion. In the end greed brings about robbery and betrayal. Protagonist dies.

-- Daniel J (use...), March 1st, 2004.

J. D. Salinger - Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters

Seymour skips own wedding. Disgruntled family of bride wind up at best man's apartment. Lots of alcohol served. While they recover, Seymour and bride elope.

-- Daniel J (use...), March 1st, 2004.

I'm the best liar ever. Frederick Barbarossa adopted me. My pals and I found mythological creatures and the Grail. Did you catch all my references?

-- Jon V (proleartthrea...), March 1st, 2004.

Verbminx:
>>Musical prodigy receives all sorts of erudite training growing up, becomes leader of civilized world, plays best game ever, retires, imagines other lives, and dies. <<

Hesse, the glass bead game; sometimes also called Magister Ludi.

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), March 1st, 2004.

Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace

Genius kid passes out on floor; inside joke. Family members (?) are weird. Drugs. Drugs. Drugs. Drugs. Zzzz.

-- hao2lian (hao22lia...), March 2nd, 2004.

Timelike Infinity - Stephen Baxter

Humanity vs Entropy. Entropy wins, mostly.

-- w (nospamandegg...), March 2nd, 2004.

The Brothers Karamazov-

Dirty old man is murdered; it's one of his three sons! Hoorah, Aloysha!

-- Greg K (g.n.ka...), March 2nd, 2004.

Sometimes a Great Notion-

While logging, a man’s younger, college-educated, pot-smoking half-brother sleeps with his wife. It sure rains a lot in Oregon.

-- Greg K (g.n.ka...), March 2nd, 2004.

The Godfather -

No, Dad, I don't want to join the family business.
Oh no, Dad's dead. Think I'll kill everyone who ever fucked with the family buisness.

-- David Nolan (dnola...), March 2nd, 2004.

Where's the ring? Hide it from Sauron. Wait a few years. OK, now take the ring to Sauron. You heard me. Take some friends too.

-- aeon (aeo...), March 2nd, 2004.

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

Hal, tennis prodigy, tries to speak; gibberish emerges. And but so what happened? No clue. Something to do with a lethally entertaining movie. And drugs.

-- Glenn Davis (glen...), March 2nd, 2004.

Sandman issues 1 to 75 - Neil Gaiman

I have no sense of humor. My ceaseless self-pity causes me to orchestrate my own death. Trick ending available for despairing fans.

-- Jean C (jmche...), March 2nd, 2004.

the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde

Little evil man and portly elite man are one and the same.

-- joli j (big_terrariu...), March 2nd, 2004.

Neverwhere, by Neil Gaiman

Help girl. Get sucked into mysterious underworld of London. Meet insane angel. Kill it. Earn ability go home. Home sucks, go underground again.

-- 5th Earth (notm...), March 2nd, 2004.

The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas

Honest young sailor betrayed and abandoned. Finds treasure, becomes rich and powerful. Plots ingenious ways to avenge his misfortune, succeeds. Finds love, contentment and happiness.

-- Adam V (ada...), March 2nd, 2004.

Waiting for Godot:

Nothing happens. Twice.

-- Mark Butterfield (mark_butterfiel...), March 2nd, 2004.

The Wasp Factory

About a guy whose's really a girl and has killed three family members before age of eight. Some comic interludes.

-- Sally M (Sloathgir...), March 2nd, 2004.

Gravity's Rainbow

Slothrop's erections presages rocket arrivals, Germans love S&M, assorted other subplots.

-- Succinct Heel (smd713...), March 2nd, 2004.

Crud, somebody beat me to it. Well here's mine anyway.

Da Vinci Code, by Dan Brown
and
Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown
and
probably his other books, if he only uses this same template.

Academic consults on bizarre crime. Meets cutie. Uncovers huge conspiracy. Minor good guy is actually bad guy, and insane. No conspiracy after all. Ending fizzles.

-- Ben Dover (be...), March 2nd, 2004.

Wheel of Time series, by Robert Jordan

Local boy actually chosen one. Must harness powers (while going schizophrenic) before battle with ultimate evil. All women are grouchy. Only 10 books to go.

-- Ben Dover (be...), March 2nd, 2004.

Cold Mountain, by Charles Frazier

Man walks five hundred miles for a roll in the hay.

-- Pablo Max (pablomaxn...), March 2nd, 2004.

Focault's Pendulum, by Umberto Eco

Crazy man brings weird message to publishers. Publishers invent a conspiracy to explain it, but everything is already a conspiracy. Blame everything on Knight's Templar.

-- rev. cosmo (jfreed...), March 2nd, 2004.

I jacked off with the liver, the rest is whining about my mom.

-- Yontrop (poetryslu...), March 2nd, 2004.

George Orwell - 1984

2004

-- CraigS (cshack4...), March 2nd, 2004.

Harry Potter books

Orphan finds that life is magical, but not all fun and games. In fact, it’s a downright pain at times. And sometimes quite terrifying.

-- emerritous (jmerritt252...), March 2nd, 2004.

Ullysses by James Joyce

Leopold Bloom wanders around Dublin, reminisces, frets about Molly's adultery, eats, tries to make a buck, masturbates. Crosses paths with Stephen Dedalus. Molly masturbates. Yes!

-- Glenn Davis (glen...), March 2nd, 2004.

The reader is repeatedly made aware that the rhythm will get him/her. Monosyllabic jabberings commence, and then the rhythm actually gets him/her. End.
--- Rhythm Is Gonna Get You by Gloria Estefan

-- Tim Hutari (timmyhutar...), March 2nd, 2004.

The Razor's Edge

Young man damaged by war, hangs out with coal miners, farmers, prostitutes, yogis. Enlightenment ensues. Ex-girlfriend still pissed.

-- bob (ab...), March 3rd, 2004.

Of Human Bondage

Self-conscious med student falls for waitress. Everyone knows she's going to use him, which she does. Repeatedly. He ends up happy, despite never going to Spain.

-- bob (ab...), March 3rd, 2004.

The Fall (Albrt Camus)

I'm Jean-Baptiste. Modern man: fornicates and reads the paper. I did too, now I'm conceited. Did I mention I let a woman drown? My bad.

-- cunctipotent cunctator (cunctipotentcunctato...), March 3rd, 2004.

1984 - George Orwell

Think rebellious thoughts, drink, hide from TV, drink, snog [more dumb than revolutionary] redhead, drink, hate BB, drink, get rats on face, love BB, drink.

-- Virginia McCarthy (evillunc...), March 3rd, 2004.

The Bible

I am the boss. Do exactly as I say. Don’t think. Be good until I tell you to kill, then act like it didn’t happen.

-- aha (coolmale4...), March 3rd, 2004.

A Tale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

I just don't get the doppelganger thing at all ...

-- captain gay (americ...), March 3rd, 2004.

1984:
When in totalitarian dystopia--big brother behind every screen--and love starts to make you question state ideology, remember: hold your shoddy commie cigarettes carefully!

:::?
human experiment subject / concentration camp escapee singlehandedly challenges british dystopia; conscientiously objecting intuitive cop takes LSD to track him down; vi veri veniversum vivus vici.

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), March 3rd, 2004.

Wonderland, Joyce Carol Oates

Dad SUUUUUCKS! Grandpa sucks. These weird eater people suck. Being a resident sucks. My kid sucks. Thinks I suck. Acid sucks. This ending sucks.

-- captain gay (americ...), March 3rd, 2004.

The Witches by Roald Dahl (aka the first book I ever liked reading)

Witches covenent decides to kill all English children with cursed sweets that turn them into mice and kill them in mousetraps. Cursed mouse-boy recalls tale.

mouse-boy is one, hyphenated word. shut up. shut-up.

-- Bog (whyd...), March 3rd, 2004.

The IluvBooks 25 words or less synopsis of Ulysses is encapsulated withing the Scylla and Charybdis chapter:

"Life is many days. This will end"

-- B. Michael Payne (bpayn...), March 3rd, 2004.

Nobody Walks in LA by John Bwarie

A Native Angeleno drives LA's freeways, experiences the City, recalls his past, finds true love (and himself), and reveals the metropolis's true nature.

-- D. Winchell (reader02...), March 3rd, 2004.

Utopia

Thomas More blueskies a creepy, sixteenth-century Singapore, radically re-inventing society. (Later executed for conservative views.)

-- Nigel Burke (nige...), March 4th, 2004.

120 Days of Sodom by Sade

Buggery by numbers

-- Nigel Burke (nige...), March 4th, 2004.

1984 - George Orwell

Winston Smith does his job. Listens to Will Young in the pub.
Then appears on pilot for 'I'm a celebrity' doesn't get out.
Gets very depresssed, can't trust anyone again. Julia was a bitch.

-- manc_frank (15015030901010025...), March 4th, 2004.

This thread is mentioned in today's Guardian:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/online/webwatch/

-- Eyeball Kicks (eyeball_kick...), March 4th, 2004.

that's either really cool or really scary. i dunno. i'd like to know where this thread was linked to as well. i'm guessing it was linked somewhere cuz i don't recognize a lot of the people posting. (people posting as of the 28th of Feb). It's all good though! Carry on. Just curious.

-- scott seward (skotro...), March 4th, 2004.

http://www.ilxor.com/log.php?board=54

Scott, scroll down for the top referrals ever bit (Metafilter, basically).

-- Tico Tico (ticoticoil...), March 4th, 2004.

Orlando Furioso by Ludovico Ariosto

Woah, too many characters! Best make poem 1500 pages long. Stab, charge, slaughter! Rivers of blood ensue.

(or: Dynasty for the Renaissance)

-- Markelby (boyincorduro...), March 4th, 2004.

Mason & Dixon

Northerner, Southerner, draw territorial line across America, slaves, talking dogs, robot ducks, murderous intentions, hissy fits, and then they all die. It is sad.

-- Matt DC (runmd...), March 4th, 2004.

Fight Club
So you're a miserable, alienated young man. Stop beatin' youself up about it.

-- ziggy (zigg...), March 4th, 2004.

The I Love Books Summarise a Novel in 25 Words

Simple concept becomes popular. Loads of new people contribute. 300 posts and still going strong. Mention in the Guardian. Guardian Readers contribute. Thread dies.

-- Mikey G (...), March 4th, 2004.

Tofu-eating cockheads, you mean?

-- Matt DC (runmd...), March 4th, 2004.

Blade Runner by Philip K Dick

Man hunts androids, illegally on earth to lengthen their pre-programmed short, doomed lives. Kills three, falls in love with the fourth. Short-lived.

-- Margo B99 (margob9...), March 4th, 2004.

cool, Tico. thanks. that's very interesting.

-- scott seward (skotro...), March 4th, 2004.

Maybe rebellion is freedom. I hate Big Brother. I love her. Rats, rebellion is slavery too. I hate her. I love Big Brother. I die.

-- Ihavewonthevictoryovermyself (frod...), March 4th, 2004.

>> Ihavewonthevictoryovermyself

That's a one word description of Fight Club.

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), March 4th, 2004.

Fight Club

(Paraphrasing an earlier post) The first rule of Fight Club is you don't summarise Fight Club.

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), March 4th, 2004.

I met tiny people
I met humongous people
I met clever people
I saw barbaric savages

Guess what? People suck in any shape or form.

Gulliver's Travels

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), March 4th, 2004.

Bad Feng Shui for the continent, pioneer style (and George Washington on homegrown dope!).

Mason & Dixon by Thomas Pynchon

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), March 4th, 2004.

The Outsider by Albert Camus

Its hot, my mother dies, its hot, I kill someone, its really hot, I get sentenced to death. Who cares? I do. Or do I?

-- The Campbell (monkeyshaver200...), March 4th, 2004.

I’m just an ambitious boy. I had to kill her to fulfill my American Dream. This trial shows that it’s a ‘no-win’ from every angle.

-- Illiteratti (tirre...), March 4th, 2004.

Any Philip K Dick novel

Dude is really confused about stuff. Sage reveals all, except more weird stuff happens. Dude gets really freaked out, and goes and gets a Coke.

-- RodgerDodgertheLeopardSkinnedLodger (d0dj...), March 4th, 2004.

All Quiet on the Western Front - Erich Maria Remarque

German WW1 soldier is really hungry and miserable. Gets shot at, but has some good sociable craps in the sunshine with his mates. Goes home.

-- RodgerDodgertheLeopardSkinnedLodger (d0dj...), March 4th, 2004.

Proudly, I live a Rabelaisian life but am stuck in mid-twentieth century New Orleans. After many picaresque adventures and despite my repulsiveness, I find love. (J. Toole’s A Confederacy of Dunces)

-- Illiteratti (tirre...), March 4th, 2004.

So, what's your point?

(Kafka, The Trial)

-- paul trevor (mensana...), March 4th, 2004.

Last 2 (this party's over):

Hey, the ape can talk! And he thinks that by speaking elliptically I will learn how to live righteously in the world. God, he’s smart! (D. Quinn’s Ishmael)

Life as a World War II orphan is grim, but I survive savage landscapes like a medieval fairy tale character without a ‘happily ever after’. (J. Kosinski’s The Painted Bird)

-- Illiteratti (tirre...), March 4th, 2004.

White woman kisses black man. Southern trial. Atticus defends, loses, Tom dies. Boo scares Scout and Jem. Boo gives gifts. Boo saves Scout. I cry.

-- Katelynne (laws490...), March 5th, 2004.

Yanks go to Spain,drink, attend bullfights. Man with penile problem pines for tramp. Fights Jewish guy. Drinks more.

-- The Sun Also Rises

-- beerzieboy (bzbo...), March 5th, 2004.

A bunch of upper-class English bores hang out on the beach and eventually walk to a lighthouse.

-- Woolf, To the Lighthouse

-- beerzieboy (bzbo...), March 5th, 2004.

andrew andrew andrew robertst

-- andrewandrewanderw (andrewrobert...), March 5th, 2004.

sorry for the long post. I thought it said 2500 words or less.

A skinhead Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

ACT I SCENE I
The battlements of Elsinore Castle.
Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
(Exit GHOST.)
HAMLET: O Fuck.
(Exit HAMLET.)
SCENE II
The Throneroom.
Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO.)
HORATIO: Oi! Watcha cock fuck!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
Ophelia's Bedroom.
Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES.
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE IV
The Battlements.
Enter HORATIO, HAMLET and GHOST.
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
(Exeunt.)
ACT II SCENE I
A corridor in the castle.
Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS.
POLONIUS: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLONIUS. Enter ROSENCRANZ and GUILDENSTERN.)
ROS & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS & GUILD.)
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
(Enter OPHELIA.)
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(The exit in different directions.)
ACT III SCENE I
The Throne Room.
Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.
I PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Gertrude's Bedchamber.
Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLONIUS: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabs POLONIUS through the fucking arras.)
POLONIUS: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
(Exeunt.)
ACT IV SCENE I
A Court Room.
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE II
The Throne Room.
OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some fucking rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
A Corridor.
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
(Enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
ACT V SCENE I
Hamlet's Bedchamber.
HAMLET and HORATIO seated.
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
Large Hall.
Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, CLAUDIUS.
LAERTES: Oi, wanker: let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
(The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS'S throat)
Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush: no hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies.)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(HAMLET dies.)
HORATIO: Fuck: that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(Enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTINBRAS: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTINBRAS: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTINBRAS: Fucking shame: fucking good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fucking right.
FORTINBRAS: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)

-- Bill Shakes (stonecat7...), March 5th, 2004.

The Recognitions, by William Gaddis:

The ship's surgeon was a spotty, unshaven little fake. So is everyone else. Wyatt kills Brown. Stanley brings down the house.

-- Pavel Jerdanovitch (jerdanovitch17...), March 5th, 2004.

Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle:

Karass, my ass! Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

-- Tagggart Hodge (sunligh...), March 5th, 2004.

Re: Skinhead Hamlet. Very funny - but remarkably similar to the Skinhead Hamlet in one of the 'Not the Nine O'Clock News' books back in the early eighties. Why don't you acknowledge your source?

-- Martin Pratt (m.a.prat...), March 5th, 2004.

Daddy-o! I’m so clouded by reefer and wine I honestly think I can shed my bourgeois mentality and wrap myself in the truths of Buddhism. (J. Kerouac’s Dharma Bums)

-- Illiteratti (tirre...), March 5th, 2004.

Command me, Wanda. You aren’t in charge, Severin; YOU can’t command me. I must punish you. Ahhh, I love the way you love me, baby. (Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs)

-- Illiteratti (tirre...), March 5th, 2004.

Dropout wanna-bes with visa cards hidden under coconuts play poxy soccer, get biten by sharks in perfect island. Miss moisturizers. As usual, American fucks up.

-- victor alisbani (ojoxoj...), March 5th, 2004.

The Glass Menagerie - Tennessee Williams:

Y'all are one serious buzzkill. I'm out.

-- sixlayerkate (kat...), March 5th, 2004.

She’s just a good-looking country gal striving for bright lights, big cities and upward mobility; however, getting what she wants leaves her empty and dissatisfied. (T. Dreiser’s Sister Carrie)

-- Illiteratti (tirre...), March 5th, 2004.

Harry Potter:
Harry has magic powers. Goes to magic school. Uncovers dark secret, breaks many rules. Fights big bad guy and wins. Wakes up in hospital.

-- Alexandra (ayamesohry...), March 5th, 2004.

12-step programs are a load of crap. Same with self-help books. Except the Tao Te Ching. And this one. Did I mention how tough I am?

--James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

-- captain gay (americ...), March 5th, 2004.

So, what's your point?
(Kafka, The Trial)

Wouldn't you like to know!
(Kafka, The Castle)

-- captain gay (americ...), March 5th, 2004.

>> So, what's your point?
>> (Kafka, The Trial)

>> Wouldn't you like to know!
>> (Kafka, The Castle)

I'm, like, sooo out of here.
(Kafka, America)

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), March 6th, 2004.

Revelation.
Denial.
Rage.
Depression.
Revenge.
Everyone dies.
The rest is silence.
(Except for the guy who says that. And the guy he says it to.)

Hamlet

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), March 6th, 2004.

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on.
He took a face from the ancient gallery
and he walked on down the hall.
And he came to a door...and he looked inside.
"Father?"
"Yes son?"
"I want to kill you." [snicker snack.]
"Mother...I want to... FUUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUU!!!!"

Oedipus Rex
by James James Morrison Morrison Weatherby George DuPree (age 3)

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), March 6th, 2004.

The Book of Revelations

The End.

-- PuzzleMonkey (puzzl...), March 6th, 2004.

love in times of cholera

ugly guy falls in love with beautiful lady. she turns him down. this goes on for years. eventually, the deserve each other.

-- jimshon (jimsho...), March 7th, 2004.

The Naked Chef Cookbook by Jamie Oliver

Monkey-faced mockney regurgitates cooking ideas established long ago by greater chefs, but is worshipped for saying "pukka" repeatedly. Sits back and waits for advertising deals.

-- Pip Jones (pip.jone...), March 7th, 2004.

buncha travelers tell tales to pass time, break ice, cover silence and express simple poignant truths about piety and real life, in incomprehensible middle-english verse.

OR

a knyght ther waf, his sone, yeman, frere, monk,
marchant, millere, nonne, doctour of phyfic,
sergeant of lawe, and the refte, sharing smalltalk while traveling.

OR

"a compaignye of sondry folk, by aventure yfalle in felaweshipe, and pilgrimes were they alle that toward Caunterbury wolden ryde . . . ech . . . telles tales tweye"

-- vi2pr8r (vi2pr8...), March 9th, 2004.

The Time machine-HG Wells

Crap.My bitch's dead-ill goto the future so theres a story and get some shit answer and stay in the future

-- shit head (jeff91...), March 9th, 2004.

"one day in the life of ivan denisovich" - Alexander Solzhenitzyn

Does exactly what it says on the tin

-- (antmo_u...), March 9th, 2004.

Re: Martin Pratt

Oi, wanker.

-- Bill Shakes (stonecat7...), March 10th, 2004.

Douglas Adams - The More Than Complete Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy

"Mostly Harmless." Earth is a supercomputer ruled by mice. Earth explodes but another is made. Repeatedly saving the universe, towels, time/galaxy travel, odd things.

-- Eric (ErAchte...), March 10th, 2004.

Passage to India
E.M Forster
All that turmoil and unrest....
ya' just keep waiting for anyone at all to get naked.

-- ScroobiousPip (alapbj...), March 11th, 2004.

cool site ;)
http://marcio.altervista.org/

-- MaRcIo (ss...), March 11th, 2004.

Congratulations everyone, this link has been given a column's worth of coverage at the back of this week's Bookseller, the trade magazine! I'm afraid I can't find it on their website, so you'll have to go and have a furtive look in your local newsagents (Bent's Notes, at the back.)

-- Cathryn (cm...), March 12th, 2004.

Crash by JG Ballard.

Screwing Elizabeth Taylor's gaping wounds in a wrecked automobile. Mmmmmm...

-- E (numbersix_9...), March 12th, 2004.

'Desolation Angels' by Jack Kerouac.

Isn't being on the road fun? Actually, wait, it's kinda depressing.

-- Eoin (numbersix_9...), March 12th, 2004.

"Confessions Of An English Opium Eater" by Thomas De Quincey

1803. Tom runs away to live with homeless starving London prostitute. Goes to Eton and learns Greek. Starts taking opium. Dreams. Takes more, then less.

-- nowyat (nowya...), March 13th, 2004.

Jean steals bread, sent, escapes prison. Bishop reforms him. Jean adopts infant Cozette while fleeing Inspector Javert. He gains wealth, Cozette marries well, dumps him.

(I have sinned by doing this. I think it should be FIFTY words... at a min.)

-- nowyat (nowya...), March 13th, 2004.

'Islands in the Stream' - Hemingway likes to drink. Drinking leads to depression. Fishing. Sons killed. Cat likes word 'Medicine'.

-- Leo Green (thedevilandthedeepbluese...), March 13th, 2004.

Huckelberry Finn-
Huck is cool. Everyone else is lame. I wish I could get out of here. Watch out for Injun Joe. Jim rocks, even if enslaved.

-- frokeout (frokeou...), March 13th, 2004.

Jitterbug Perfume, Tom Robbins
Pagan god makes man friend whose girlfriend is obsessed with perfume. French people are also obsessed with perfume. Beets are the key to everything.

-- Nani Sorai (Nanicha...), March 15th, 2004.

A rich man, a poor trainer, a poorer jockey and a gelding. Two of the aforementioned break records then legs. Hooray for the working man!

Seabiscuit
Laura Hillenbrand
P.S. This thread is FABU!

-- Cindy Montano (thetravel...), March 15th, 2004.

Missionary family moves to Congo, daugther eaten by ants, dad goes nuts, mean witchdoctor, ladies skeedaddle during political uprising. The rest was boring in comparison.

Poisonwood Bible
Barbara Kingsolver

-- Cindy Montano (thetravel...), March 15th, 2004.

This is a move, but I can't resist.

I asked a friend what she thought of the movie, The Passion of The Christ. She said, "It was great! They should write a book about it."

-- Cindy Montano (thetravel...), March 16th, 2004.

Damn! I swear, it was THIS big! Honest!

The Old Man and the Sea

-- JenniferB (fnerk...), March 16th, 2004.

Harry Potter Books
I am a wizard and i play quitage with brooms! Bullshit, you stole all my stash, and you keep trying to ask mom for heroine.

-- Marcy Renolds (marcy15...), March 16th, 2004.

Ancestors commit incest - girl who is a boy is born - family slowly adjusts.

Middlesex by Eugenides

-- I'm Passing Open Windows (MsLaur...), March 16th, 2004.

Granite, baseball as God's tool, a stuffed armadillo, Viet Nam, sexual ambiguity, the Anglican Church, and, of course, New Hampshire.

A Prayer for Owen Meaney by John Irving

-- I'm Passing Open Windows (MsLaur...), March 16th, 2004.

The Maltese Falcon

Lone wolf detective is turned on by scheming woman, helps her outwit queer, fatso and goon, then sends her to the chair anyway. Falcon worthless.

-- Schwarz (fak...), March 18th, 2004.

Keep The Aspidistra Flying by George Orwell

I don't want to work in advertising. I want to be a poet. No wait, actually I want pussy more. Okay, I'll work in advertising.

-- Schwarz (fak...), March 18th, 2004.

The Wasp Factory

Do you sit or stand to piss, Beer, Burning Sheep

-- Chappo (mark.chapma...), March 18th, 2004.

Hi, John Lennon's killer.

-- Mikey G (...), March 18th, 2004.

Preacher (Garth Ennis):

Vicar gains divine power, uncovers massive cover-up/conspiracy. Dies. Comes back. Discovers best mate is evil. Beats him up. Gets shot. Loses power. Finally happy.

The Lord of the Rings:

Loads of malarkey over a bit of bling.

The Black Dahlia (James Ellroy):

Cop is obsessed with dead girl. Alienates everyone, ruins life. Discovers gardener did it. No, boss did it! No, daughter did it!! Everyone did it!!!

Dead Air (Iain Banks):

9-11. Shock Jock annoys everyone on air. Sleeps with gangsters wife. Gets beaten up. The end.

-- Andy Macc (andrew.mcdonal...), March 18th, 2004.

LOLITA: LOlifedrama, meLodrama, pilLOwdrama, pyjamarama

-- Simon Lane (oliverslan...), March 18th, 2004.

ILB Summarise a Novel in 25 Words in London Evening Standard!

-- ... (43ew2q...), March 18th, 2004.

La Ronde

Man: Hello. Come in to my small Parisian apartment overlooking the river.
Woman: I can't stay but a minute.
Man: Come closer...take off your corset.
Woman: You're pretty fresh, you are.
Man: A kiss!
Woman: Somebody might see!
Man: We can go somewhere private.
Woman: It's too far...my sister...
Man: Cognac?
Woman: I'm not thirsty.
Man: Stupid thing! My treasure!
Woman: You're tearing my chemise...oooh...
Man: I love you! Let's screw!
Woman: No! Oh, okay.

Later -
Man: (weeping)
Woman: What's your name again?

-- writingstatic (the_stabbing_roo...), March 19th, 2004.

Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution

Meat. Meat. Eggs. Meat. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Fry-Up. Meat. Meat. Cheese. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Meat. Lard. Meat. Egg. Meat. Meat. Cheese. Meat. Meat. Meat. Meat.

I know it's not a novel, but I coudn't resist.

-- Alan Sircom (alan.sirco...), March 19th, 2004.

Less Than Zero – Bret Easton Ellis

I had so much sex and drugs last night that now I’m depressed. Let’s go drive someplace. Whatever. Superficial is, like, SO my middle name.

-- Alan Sircom (alan.sirco...), March 19th, 2004.

I just posted this elsewhere, but:

Jeffrey Eugenides - The Virgin Suicides Men spend their lives obsessing about women they didn't bang.

-- I'm Passing Open Windows (MsLaur...), March 19th, 2004.

ILB Summarise a Novel in 25 Words in London Evening Standard!

Link, please? Or cut-and-paste the text? Or something like that?

-- I'm Passing Open Windows (MsLaur...), March 19th, 2004.

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/entertainment/books/articles/9721692?source=Evening%20Standard

-- the surface noise (electricsoun...), March 19th, 2004.

And also just recommended on Terry Wogan's Radio 2 Breakfast Show.

-- ailsa (ailsa_watson7...), March 19th, 2004.

Portnoy's Complaint - Philip Roth

"Not the chopped liver, you schmuck."

-- Malcolm Hamer (hamermalcol...), March 19th, 2004.

Crash by JG Ballard

Own a Prizm? Onanism!

-- weather1ngda1eson (bricassid...), March 19th, 2004.

really awful Independent article:

http://enjoyment.independent.co.uk/books/features/story.jsp?story=502722

-- chris (cbrassic...), March 19th, 2004.

AKA-

Bourgeois 80s fad limps towards death. Runs low on cash, sacks journalists and ends up being written by anonymising webcrawler. Andreas Whittam Smith Ha ha

-- Dave B (dave.boyl...), March 19th, 2004.

The Story of O

Nameless French girl surrenders in taxi, chateau, Paris Apartment. Loses clothes but gains a piercing. The pleasures of a simple life...

-- Tess W (komwo...), March 19th, 2004.

Wogan mentions I Love Books site. People with comfortable sweaters add their penny's worth. David Gray plays in the background.

-- Mikey G (...), March 19th, 2004.

Consider Phelbas - Iain M Banks

God is bad, Science is good as are superintelligent ships and giant ring worlds. Pirates and agent seek sentient computer on dead world. Unhappy ending.

-- Jarlr'mai (parker...), March 19th, 2004.

Man cheats on woman. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" Woman takes revenge on lover, killing children. Chorus of Corinthian Women chant relentlessly throughout.

-- Evil Edna (fairy-fol...), March 19th, 2004.

Zen & the art of motorcycle maintenance:

Guy rides motorcycle while gazing at own navel (wouldn't he crash?)

-- Mark Edwards (mark.g.edward...), March 19th, 2004.

The Shipping News, Annie Proulx.

Pussy whipped cuckold cries a lot on the way to Newfoundland. Takes some photos of car wrecks and drags house across island, thus redeeming himself. Aaaah.

-- Julian Beach (julianbeac...), March 19th, 2004.

Running Windows NT

"Shift happens!"

-- Murdo Mistry (murdo_mistr...), March 19th, 2004.

The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas:

Impossibly angelic sailor gets shafted. Gets rich, alienated and bitter. Gets revenge. Realises it's all just fate. Movie directors unamimously ignore irrelevant sojourn in Rome.

-- Julian Beach (julianbeac...), March 19th, 2004.

Lost Nation by Jeffrey Lent:

Adulterous whore-loving widower walks north with girl-child to pimp in tow. He thought he raped his daughter. Not so. Still he gets slaughtered.

-- Maria D. (mariadanielso...), March 19th, 2004.

Jim Thomson- The Killer Inside Me

I used to be crazy and I killed someone, but this is Texas so I am sheriff. You know, I’m feeling a bit crazy again.

-- earlnash (stereo99_9...), March 19th, 2004.

A Rebours (Against Nature) by J K Huysmans

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 19th, 2004.

100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

People made no effort to remember their history, now no-one's sure whether any of it happened.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 19th, 2004.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2004/03/19/nbooks19.xml&sSheet=/news/2004/03/19/ixhome.

Daily Telegraph coverage of this thread

-- Mikey G (...), March 19th, 2004.

Keep the Aspidistra Flying by George Orwell

Man declares war on money. Man gets neurotic about money. Man gives up, gets a proper job and settles down. The end.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 19th, 2004.

the telegraph one is easily better than the independant. whoever wrote the independant one is trying to be clever when in actual fact hes not getting the jist of the story across just "clever" wordplay, whereas the telegraph one says all that needs to be said then quotes some of the better ones. just my 2 cents.

-- james pearson (mancubus66...), March 19th, 2004.

Dante The Divine Comedy.

Dynamics duo's three steps to heaven

-- Judy Wardle (judes.hom...), March 19th, 2004.

" Black Beauty " by Anna Sewell.

A horse tells everything a field of horses does , but is too polite and victorian to mention they shit,piss and fuck.

-- Laurie Ridyard (laurie-pa...), March 20th, 2004.

Al Q'oran by Mohamedd

An epileptic nut case Hasheesheen dreams about blowing up/ exterminating Jews and Christians, then leaving his four wives and having 77 virgins.

Notes. "hasheesheen" is arabic for a Hashish eater or taker, whence derives (via French) the English word " Assassin ". Hashish was/is used to alleviate epilepsy and eliminate fear in warriors of the Jihad.

-- Geronimo ! Go Get 'em George ! (laurie-pa...), March 20th, 2004.

" The Harbringer of the Storm " by Alexei Maximovich Gorky

How to take the piss out of Lenin , Stalin and communism/ fascism/ socialism and get away with it, having a City named after you, too !

Note. Only an ornithologist would understand this !In this short poem he does it better than Orwell's "Animal Farm"

" Puddenheaded Wilson " by Mark Twain

How to take the piss out of slavery, racism and being "sold down de ribber " then get called a racist for doing so!Best detective yarn ever !

-- Laurie Ridyard (laurie-pa...), March 20th, 2004.

"The Man Who Laughed" by Victor Hugo

Kidnapped child disfigured by gypsies, becomes ever-smiling carnival freak, Gwynplaine; saved by Ursus. Revealed to be English Lord. People laugh. Lover dies, he commits suicide.

-- nowyat (nowya...), March 20th, 2004.

"Anne of Green Gables"

Absent-minded, hair-obsessed orphan disrupts life of old people.

-- I'm Passing Open Windows (MsLaur...), March 20th, 2004.

Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding

Hideous, self-obsessed yuppie can't get a man, because she thinks she's too good for everyone. Gets a man. He's hideous too.

-- Mark H (mar...), March 20th, 2004.

Girlfriend In A Coma by Douglas Coupland

Girl falls asleep for ages. Wakes up really thin, mysteriously causing everyone else to fall asleep.

-- Mark H (mar...), March 20th, 2004.

Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby

Boy goes to football with his Dad, then goes to football on his own, then thinks about football a lot, then Arsenal win the league.

-- Mark H (mar...), March 20th, 2004.

Jaws by Peter Benchley

Fin.

-- Rod (rod.fin...), March 20th, 2004.

Ha ha. Maybe we should have a thread summarising books in one word.

-- Bunged Out (qp10q...), March 20th, 2004.

Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy

Long before the Open University, blue collar lad’s faith in upward mobility via education is brutally crushed by combined forces of religion and conventional morality.

-- Merial Ozone (tallytennisbu...), March 20th, 2004.

Day of the Jackal - Frederick Forsythe

Sniper misses, eventually.

-- Richard Dace (richard.dac...), March 20th, 2004.

" My Husband ; a Life." By
Ethelfreda Batthingthwaite-Winterbotham of Little Peover, Cheshire, as told to Peter Tatchell and Peter Hain , MP.

Quote from the Quarterly Magazine of the Preston Guild of Master and Journeymen Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers & Ancillary Trades :-
This is in three Volumes with an Appendix of 1,282,419 references. Almost half the pages in each volume are made up of references. Volume one is entitled:-
" Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring from the Iron Age to the 20th Century"
Chapter 1 " Iron Age Toothbrush Handle Hole Boring Sites and Artefacts" argues that the 2,180 sites where artefact such as discarded bow-drills and partly bored toothbrush handles made of ivory and walrus tusks shows Toothbrush Hole Boring was the major industry and trade of the British Isles in this period, and exported as far away as Gwalior where the Gwaikor of Gwalior had gold toothbrush handles sent to the British Isles to have their holes bored; the Chinese Wo-shan Wun ( Marsh lands of the Yiang ‘se Kiang) where the tooth brush handles were smuggled in exchange for Chia or Green Tea, pre-packed Chow Mien and Number 14 with Egg Noodles in a Pak Choi Sauce; and Easter Island, where most of the mysterious giant statues are meant to be holding toothbrushes.
Chapter 2. " Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer." This chapter discusses the derivation of the word " Hun" from a phrase in Germanic language , meaning United Tribes of Toothbrush Handle Hole Borers; and claims Attila the Toothbrush Handle Hole Borer was right to attack and sack Rome, because the Senate had imposed huge duties on imported toothbrush handles, to protect the failing toothbrush handle hole boring industry of Tuscany. The Praetorian Guard and other Roman Legions had been decimated because a shortage of toothbrushes had lead to an outbreak of toothache and gum diseases; an early example of a rich and despotic lifestyle without proper dental hygene resulting in catastrophe.
(to be continued )

-- Laurie Ridyard (laurie-pa...), March 21st, 2004.

Hamlet

There's much clever scheming, a lot of people die, quite a few go mad, and the basic storyline manages to become Shakespeare's longest play - wow!

-- James Tween (jamestwee...), March 21st, 2004.

25 word

-- phil mckracken (...), March 22nd, 2004.

"The Man who Would be King" by Rudyard Kipling.

"You went to Afghanistan?!? F**k me! WHY???"

-- Andy Macc (andrew.mcdonal...), March 22nd, 2004.

Lord of the Flies

Stranded Pork-loving kids kill chubby chatterbox shell-collector.
Descent into savagery and pork worship until hero recued by responsible adults.

-- Mat Waddington (matwa...), March 22nd, 2004.

"The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie

Man writes a book which causes him to go into hiding ... from Gabriel Garcia Marquez's lawyers.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 22nd, 2004.

"The Hound of the Baskervilles" by Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle.

Yes It Is About A Dog.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 22nd, 2004.

"Tarzan", by Edgar Rice Burroughs

"A Tiger? In Africa???"

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 22nd, 2004.

"Malleus Mallefiscarum" ("Hammer of the Witches") by Sprenger & Kramer

"Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 22nd, 2004.

"Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire", by Edward Gibbon

"But what have the Romans ever done for us?"

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 22nd, 2004.

"Kes" (aka "A Kestrel For A Knave") by Barry Hines

"It has shuffled off this mortal coil, and joined the choir invisible" etc etc etc

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 22nd, 2004.

Irvine Welsh's...

Trainspotting
Scottish kids take drugs, kick drugs, have sex, rob each other and swear a lot.

Glue
Other Scottish kids take drugs, have sex, fight, catch AIDS and swear a lot.

Porno
All the Scottish kids, now grown up, take drugs, have sex on camera, rob each other and swear a lot.

-- Matt Ian (haveningissue...), March 22nd, 2004.

The Pyrates - George McDonald Fraser:

Add some zombies and this'd make a really good Johnny Depp movie, in 20 years time.

-- Andy Macc (andrew.mcdonal...), March 23rd, 2004.

The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer - Jennifer Lynch.

Dad. Stop it. Aargh.

-- Cornelius Murphy (steerpike8...), March 24th, 2004.

Chambers Dictionary

All the words are there but it doesn't seem to make sense.
Perhaps I will just have to wait for the film to come out.

-- John Billot (john.billo...), March 24th, 2004.

It Shouldn't Happen to a Vet - James Herriot

Young impressionable man happens upon idyllic area in an imaginary country called "England" - keeps putting his arm up cows' bums. Police disinterested because of "vet" defence.

-- John Billot (john.billo...), March 24th, 2004.

1984

Bloke having mid life crisis discovers politics and shagging; but then learns to settle down and become a normal, respectable, member of society

-- Jim Pearson (jamescnpearso...), March 24th, 2004.

Some analysis of this thread from Today's Guardian

http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/generalfiction/story/0,6000,1177601,00.html

-- Mikey G (...), March 25th, 2004.

That is the nicest bit of coverage ILx has ever had. What a nice man.

-- Jerry the Nipper (jerrythenippe...), March 25th, 2004.

Stranger in a Strange Land:
Jesus is a Martian.

Diary of a Nobody:
I got up this morning. Tonight I shall go back to bed, as is my custom.

Alice in Wonderland:
Alice breaks all the freaky rules in a freaky place, and freaks out all the freaks who live there.

Alice Through the Looking-Glass:
.niaga ti seod ecilA

Lord of the Rings:
Never underestimate a little guy with hairy feet.

-- Dorien Thomas (ceubaw...), March 25th, 2004.

James Joyce - Dubliners:

Everyone is miserable and lonely. Dublin is horrible. Nothing ever happens save more misery. You'll never leave!

James Ellroy - The Cold Six Thousand:

Everything's gone wrong since Kennedy died. The FBI did it. CIA and Republicans are complicit. Vietnam was wrong. Cops are corrupt. Kill yourself now. Blam.

-- Cornelius Murphy (steerpike8...), March 25th, 2004.

Dylan Thomas - Adventures in the Skin Trade:
I got drunk in London once.

-- Dorien Thomas (ceubaw...), March 25th, 2004.

Tad Williams - Otherland

Hackers break into rich guys' network. Wander round a bit. Network crashes. Into the sun.

-- theonecynic (leade...), March 25th, 2004.

Michael Moorcock - the Jerry Cornelius Tetralogy

London in the sixties was a jumping-off point to travel the rest of the Multiverse, particularly with a little chemical enhancement. I'm the Eternal Champion, by the way, but I don't like to talk about that.

-- Dorien Thomas (ceubaw...), March 25th, 2004.

Anything by Ngugi Wa Thiongo:

The Kikuyu have a shite time in Kenya. But we can still sing! And I'm in prison again.

-- Dorien Thomas (ceubaw...), March 25th, 2004.

This thread got a mention in the Weekend Australian magazine today.

** "NOTRE-DAME DE PARIS" by Victor Hugo **
Bizarre love quadrangle plays out in shadow of Gothic cathedral in fifteenth century. Lofty themes, quirky supporting characters, overlong soliloquys. Most of the characters die.

** "THE GROUND BENEATH HER FEET" by Salman Rushdie **
Love story of Orphic proportions plays out in alternate universe. East-vs-West. Pop culture. Glorious wordplay. Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll. Not as perplexing as "The Satanic Verses".

** "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" by Emily Bronte **
Selfish bitch-cat and angry bastard share passionate love. Bitch-cat marries another man, dies of psychosomatic symbolism. Angry bastard then punishes second generation of already-suffering family.

** "AMERICAN GODS" by Neil Gaiman **
Supposing America itself is essentially godless. Only gods are those immigrants brought, and those that technology created. And they're at war. Imagine our protagonist's surprise.

** "INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **
Vampire who needs to lighten up tells of his existence with fun-loving man-vampire and frustrated girlchild-vampire. It didn't end happily. Subsequent franchise an unforeseen phenomenon.

** "THE VAMPIRE LESTAT" by Anne Rice **
Supporting character from "Interview" takes over franchise. Proves much more entertaining than predecessor. After he becomes rock star and wakes mother-queen vampire, book ends abruptly.

** "THE QUEEN OF THE DAMNED" by Anne Rice **
Mother-Queen vampire wants to destroy world. Other vampires stop her, after lots of filler and background stories given for supporting characters. Much better than movie.

** "THE TALE OF THE BODY THIEF" by Anne Rice **
Lestat body-swaps with trickster human. Hijinks ensue. Order of a sort is restored at end, "It's a Wonderful Life" type themes subverted with impish glee.

** "MEMNOCH THE DEVIL" by Anne Rice **
Demon takes Lestat on crazy ride through Christian theology. Stop paying attention, and you'll be sorry. He's left batshit mad at end, much like reader.

** "THE VAMPIRE PANDORA" by Anne Rice **
Marius' mysterious ex gets to tell her story, beginning in ancient Rome. Little action, lots of philosophical debate. Plodding style oddly fitting with inert character.

** "THE VAMPIRE ARMAND" by Anne Rice **
Marius' other ex gets to tell his story. Italian Renaissance this time. Courtesans, cults, whacky vampiric performance art. Character is greatly developed, highly sympathetic. Surprise ending.

** "VITTORIO THE VAMPIRE" by Anne Rice **
Imagine a Hammer horror movie told in prose. Tale of vampiric heterosexual love, with Satanic cults and sacred music too. All-new characters introduced to fold.

** "BLOOD AND GOLD" by Anne Rice **
Marius gets to tell his story. Sadly, Rice has already told much of it via other characters. Prose gets tedious. Bookending sequence far more interesting.

-- Bird-Mad Girl (thefootmandidi...), March 27th, 2004.

Stupid White Men - Michael Moore
Amercans are stupid. I wish they weren't. I love America.

The Razor's Edge - W Somerset Maugham
Larry is confused. No, he's enlightened. Drives taxi. Good for him.

Great Expectations
Pip's a twat. Can't get laid.

Thomas The Tank Engine.
Choo choo .... crash. Stupid trains.

Animal Farm
Socialist pigs doublethink.

The Neverending Story
Stuff happens. Story ends.

Illusions - Richard Bach
see title.

-- DeusExMachina (whatmysalmo...), March 27th, 2004.

THE MAYOR OF CASTERBRIDGE
What goes around comes around. P.S. Dont gamble if yor a complete dimwit

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), March 27th, 2004.

DUDE WHERES MY COUNTRY-MICHEAL MOORE
If you ever decide to move to america: dont

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), March 27th, 2004.

TESS OF THE D'URBEVILLES-THOMAS HARDY
Tess gets raped, baby dies, marries her rapist, kills him, runs off with old lover, gets executed. Moral=if committing murder, hide all evidence

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), March 27th, 2004.

THE SHARK NET-ROBERT DREWE
Perth 1950's-guy kills eight people because he has to put up with shit, author re-tells his life at the time of the murders.

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), March 27th, 2004.

DAVID COPPERFIELD-CHARLES DICKENS
David as a child: life sucks. David as a teenager: life still sucks. Davis as an adult: slightly less suckiness.

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), March 27th, 2004.

The Picture Of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 27th, 2004.

The Jerry Cornelius Tetralogy, by Michael Moorcock

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

--- OR ---

Jerry acts like an arsehole, while Una Persson saves the world. Again.

--- OR EVEN ---

Like Austen Powers. But not as funny.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), March 27th, 2004.

this was a good novel

-- Santa Claus (sant...), March 29th, 2004.

The Virgin Suicides

Suicide is preferable to being stalked by obsessed neighbourhood boys

-- kirov (gemer...), March 29th, 2004.

All of Shakespears tragedies:

Look at me! I'm Royalty! Now I will kill you all! Mwahahaha! I'm not really evil. Shit, I'm dead. Ghosts and witches are total bastards.

-- Ned is a Viking (nedsa...), March 29th, 2004.

THERE'S A NEW NED IN TOWN??????????????

A-AND..... HE'S A VIKING????????????

-- Jerry the Nipper (jerrythenippe...), March 29th, 2004.

All of Shakespeare's Comedies:

Look at me! I'm Royalty! Now I will kill you all! Mwahahaha! I'm not really evil. Shit, I'm still alive! Ghosts and witches aren't that bad really.

-- Dorien Thomas (ceubaw...), March 29th, 2004.

dfd

-- asdfsdaf (asd...), March 30th, 2004.

Woman has "feeling" for snow. Boy dies. Woman goes to Island.

-- jared brown (jare...), March 31st, 2004.

Thomas Mann: "Death in Venice"

Old city and old man simultaneously sinks into decadent ruin as mysterious plague and angelic boy simultaneously proves fatal.

-- omaha (noyoug...), March 31st, 2004.

Any Robert Rankin book:

Rock & Roll is great. Spike Milligan was a god. Lots of jokes. S**T - publisher's deadline approaching! Cobble together implausible ending. Wink to audience.

Bernard Cornwell's Sharpe series:

Sharpe is gritty. Sharpe hates everyone. Women love Sharpe. War is bad but fun. French are evil. So are rich people. Sharpe, trapped, escapes, wins.

-- Cornelius Murphy (steerpike8...), March 31st, 2004.

Dante Alighieri's "Inferno":

Microsoft Windows Millenium Edition user's manual

-- C Valdes (cvaldes183...), March 31st, 2004.

The Story About Ping by Marjorie Flack

Replacement manual page for ping(1M) UNIX command and discussion of ICMP ECHO_REQUEST packet.

-- C Valdes (cvaldes183...), March 31st, 2004.

The Perfect Storm by Sebastian Junger:

It was a dark and stormy night... The end.

-- C Valdes (cvaldes183...), March 31st, 2004.

The Right Stuff by Tom Wolfe:

Being a test pilot is kinda dangerous, but it would be uncool to say any more.

-- C Valdes (cvaldes183...), March 31st, 2004.

Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent et al.:

To avoid the paparazzi, he left the talk show circuit and moved to France with his wife where they raised some kids in relative anonymity.

-- C Valdes (cvaldes183...), March 31st, 2004.

The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco:

I love books. Yum.

-- C Valdes (cvaldes183...), March 31st, 2004.

The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda:

Dude, I am so f**ked up -- I have this imaginary friend who gives me great advice.

-- C Valdes (cvaldes183...), March 31st, 2004.

May 8: Saw boat. Aug 6: Saw ghost. Sept 10: Killed ghost, killed servants.

-- J Brown (jared.brow...), April 1st, 2004.

All Quite on the Western Front - Erich Maria Remarque

Young man goes west with schoolchums; his death is nothing to write home about.

-- Mark Klobas (mark.kloba...), April 2nd, 2004.

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

Drawn-out chase through churches and museums; every twenty pages a bad history lecture breaks out.

-- Mark Klobas (mark.kloba...), April 2nd, 2004.

War of the Worlds - H. G. Wells

Aliens prove life exists on Mars by coming to Earth to try and wipe it out here; they discover they should have started small.

-- Mark Klobas (mark.kloba...), April 2nd, 2004.

The Constant Gardener by John Le Carre

Man thinks evil international pharmaceutical company have killed his wife. They did. They kill him too. He also fails to do any gardening.

-- Susha Lee-Shothaman (sush...), April 2nd, 2004.

Hitler: My Part in his Downfall - Spike Milligan

I'm mad, I am.

-- Dorien Thomas (ceubaw...), April 3rd, 2004.

Puckoon - Spike Milligan

The whole of Ireland's mad.

-- Dorien Thomas (ceubaw...), April 3rd, 2004.

Soldier Freddy - Spike Milligan

Still crazy after all these years. And I told you I was ill.

-- Dorien Thomas (ceubaw...), April 3rd, 2004.

Berlin - the Downfall by Anthony Beevor:

The Russians win.

-- Cornelius Murphy (steerpike8...), April 6th, 2004.

'Pale Fire' - Nabokov

Literature scholar loses the plot (with commentary).

-- N. (nickdastoo...), April 6th, 2004.

"L'arrache-coeur"- Boris Vian

Freaky psychologist runs into obsessed mother. Kids locked in cage. Horse gets crucified. Guy swimming among corpses for gold. Exactly HOW far can one get?

-- Oana Andreea Stefan (oana_stefa...), April 7th, 2004.

Jerzy Lukaszewski- "Jalons d'Europe"
clever nice guys drink lots of brandy, go to jail and then set up europe

-- El Dor (sarah_woodruff_smithso...), April 7th, 2004.

Don DeLillo- "Underworld"

He speaks in your voice, American. Soon you'll wish I did.

-- Tom Wilkinson (thomas.wilkinso...), April 7th, 2004.

"Ethan Frome"-Edith Wharton

In the bleak New England winter. Sledding crash scarred me and my girl for life! Now we're trapped with crazy wife and her pickle dish.

-- Jocelyn (jocelynkarla...), April 7th, 2004.

Uncle Tungsten: Memories of a Chemical Boyhood (Oliver Sacks)

I was so enthusiast about Mendeleev table, that I became a psychiatrist.

[spero suoni bene, in inglese ;o)]

-- kiddie (kiddi...), April 9th, 2004.

James Ellroy "American Tabloid"

Or of the bramosia.

-- IceS (stefanohuelle...), April 9th, 2004.

Kafka's Metamorphosis: i feel sick..everybody is an assholes and my sister has nice body.

-- Mario (mariedd...), April 9th, 2004.

The sun is high and I'm killing an arab. I don't know why. Like ever.

The etranger. Albert Camus

-- Alessandro Marinaccio (a.marinacci...), April 9th, 2004.

"Fermat's last theorem"- Simon Singh
Three centuries to solve the enigma

-- Leonardo RECCHIA (tecnoqualit...), April 9th, 2004.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL by Charles Dickens:

No. No. No. Oh, yes alright then.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), April 10th, 2004.

THE CANTERBURY TALES, by Geoffrey Chaucer

Lots of people fail to get to Canterbury because they spend too much time talking.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), April 10th, 2004.

THE INVISIBLE MAN, by H G Wells

Decadent aesthete thinks that if he creates the ultimate escapist fantasy he can fight "against Nature". He's wrong.

(vide supra ;-) )

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), April 10th, 2004.

DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS by John Wyndham

Giant Walking Deadly Poisonous Plants are a Disaster, don't you know!

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), April 10th, 2004.

Dracula - Bram Stoker:

Angry customer tries to get revenge on bloodsucking parasitic Real Estate agents, fails.

Moby Dick - Herman Melville:

Bad idea. Turn back now - certain death ahead. Fine, ignore me. Splash. Aargh! Told you so.

-- Cornelius Murphy (steerpike8...), April 10th, 2004.

Moby Dick:

Sail Tale
Frail man fails
pale wale prevails

-- Christoph Schulte-Vennbur (Schulte-Vennbu...), April 10th, 2004.

Wuthering Heights - again

Oh Catherine... Oh Heathcliff. Oh Catherine... Oh Heathcliff! Oh Catherine!! OH HEATHCLIFF!!! OH CATHERINE... you get the idea.

-- JL (jl.devar...), April 11th, 2004.

all books by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Emancipated, intelligent woman loves a man but is hindered by religion or stupid men!

-- Geesa de vries (gees...), April 11th, 2004.

Lord of the Flies

Kids are gruesome. Fat kids are losers.

-- TN (thomasnolle...), April 11th, 2004.

Franz Kafka - The Metamorphosis

Son wakes up, finds himself transformed into a bug, makes family life a hell, than dies. Life goes on.

-- Dirk Dunkel (dunkeldir...), April 11th, 2004.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

My name is Robert Jordan. I am noble. Spaniards are cool even though they curse a lot . Cowardice, though, is bad. I mean *real* bad. But -- damn! -- even noble men have to die. So I'll shag that Maria one last time.

-- rhesus m. dexter (rhesusdexte...), April 11th, 2004.

All Terry Pratchett Rincewind Books

If you are in danger, run, it doesn't matter where you are running to. And what the hell does this luggage with feet do?

-- WLBORg (WLBOR...), April 11th, 2004.

ANIMAL FARM - Orwell
Pigs smell. Badly.

THE FIRM - Grisham
Young stud goes mafia. Outsmarts everyone. Happy end.

A TIME TO KILL - Grisham
Pisshead wins courtcase.

THE HOBBIT - Tolkien
Diary of a Duke of Edinburgh Award Trip. PS: Little man finds ring

FELLOWSHIP - Tolkien
Another diary of a Duke of Edinburgh Award Trip. More Walking. PS: Little man wants to get rid of ring

TWO TOWERS - Tolkien
Wizard's condo gets flooded.

RETURN OF THE KING - Tolkien
Nutter jumps to death.

JURRASIC PARC - Crichton
Science backfires, badly.

PREY - Crichton
Science backfires, badly, again.

TIMELINE - Crichton
Don't timetravel!

BACK TO THE FUTURE 1-3
You stupid. I told you. Don't timetravel!

PARADISE AND POWER - Kagan
They are nuts, we are nuts. Yippee, let's beat up some Iraqis.

ROMEO AND JULIET - Shakespeare
Two lovers. Lots of crazy shit. Everyone dies. The End.

-- janji (jj...), April 11th, 2004.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Girls gets stoned. Lots of smoke.

MATRIX
Sequel to Alice in Wonderland.

-- janji (jj...), April 11th, 2004.

SHOGUN - James Clavell

Japan 1600. Englishman to learn japanese - else villagepeople ordered dead. Intriguenet between great emperors. Love. Everyone addicted by selfmurder and obedience.

-- Tokee (sir5a...), April 11th, 2004.

"der spiegel" runs a story about this thread! (in german)
http://www.spiegel.de/spiegel/0,1518,294618,00.html

-- abcd (kittty_...), April 11th, 2004.

hi,
i just want to tell, that u got mentioned in zhe german "spiegel" (the mirrorw), one of the biggest german magazins.

http://www.spiegel.de/spiegel/0,1518,294618,00.html

thats a great idea to summarise novels in 25 words, also very funny.

thx to all of u who have found the time and the effort to contribute some summarasetion to this page.

cu

Claudio

-- Claudio Riolo (riol...), April 11th, 2004.

yep... but those dimwits forgot to post a link, so i had to find it via google

BTW.. is there a "summarize a movie in 25 words" franchise? if not, it would certainly be great...

-- TN (thomasnolle...), April 11th, 2004.

******* Science Fiction Summary ***********

William Gibson: Neuromancer

Case gets his brain repaired by AI to screw his dead girl inside the Matrix. His new girl enjoys killing people in a stylish way.
_________________________________________

Isaac Asimov: I, Robot

Computers are wonderful because the do what they're told. Humans not so.
_________________________________________

Frank Herbert: Dune

Guy goes into the desert to find he is the messiah everybody is waiting for but discovers he is unable to change anything.

Dune II: He still can't, though he is emperor of the Galaxy
Dune III: Neither can his Children, although they are superhuman.
Dune IV: His son still fails despite becoming a god.
Dune V: Sex doesn't help solving the problem.
Dune IV: Best sex in the universe, neither.

_________________________________________

The Collected Works of Robert A. Heinlein

Real Guys kick sissys around and get the chicks laid, all times ,all universes, except USA, Terra, middle of 20th century.
__________________________________________

Robert Zelazny: The Lord of Light

On a remote planet, Buddha destroys oligarchy of indian gods by allying with alien natives, freeing mankind.
__________________________________________

Larry Niven & Jerry Purnelle: Footfall

Aliens arrive in giant spaceship to conquer Earth but are beaten back by NASA-Shuttles and patriotic americans that support manned space flight.

-- Nikolai W. Kutuzov (kutuzo...), April 11th, 2004.

W. Golding: Lord of the Flies

Everyone has bad thoughts, even kids. Having this emotions under control becomes important.

-- Yigit Gümüs (yii...), April 12th, 2004.

Erich von Däniken: Chariots of the Gods

We evolved from apes, but they were the first who flew to space.

-- Feyzi Karaer (fkarae...), April 12th, 2004.

"Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy:

She's married with the wrong man. She loves the wrong one too. She chooses the train.

-- Alex Hartmann (ale...), April 12th, 2004.

Ken Follett - Eye of the Needle

I killed her. Ooops, I did it again.

-- Der Zwerg vom Berg (wurzelzwerg...), April 12th, 2004.

"The Physicists" by Friedrich Duerrenmatt

Three physicists pretend to be nuts, who pretend to be another great physicists. They murder hospital's stuff to prove their madness. The plan fails.

-- Alex Hartmann (ale...), April 12th, 2004.

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Jose Arcadio Buendia, Colonel Aureliano Buendia,Ursula Iguaran, Amaranta, Remedios, Renata Remedios, Amaranta Ursula, Jose Arcadio Segundo, Aurelianox17,loads of shagging, killing, amnesia, and pigtails.

-- Cindy Montano (thetravel...), April 12th, 2004.

Fahrenheit 451

Man burns books, reads one, changes mind

-- Kenneth McElroy (BUS996...), April 12th, 2004.

The Heart of a dog

Dog turned into man-dog by professer,causes chaos, then turned back into dog again. Parody of Russian Revolution, and how commies are such bastards.

-- Kenneth "it's me again" McElroy (bus996...), April 12th, 2004.

The Merchant of Venice

Jewish merchant makes deal, loses deal due to a bit of unfairness. oy! what a world!

-- Kenneth "i'm Scottish, not Irish" McElroy (bus996...), April 12th, 2004.

Blood Hunt

Man murdered, murderer murdered by murderer's murdered man's brother. All this set in the beautiful Scottish Highlands.

-- Kenneth McElroy (bus996...), April 12th, 2004.

All Novels by Philip K. Dick:

"Reality sucks. The 50´ies suck. I suck. They suck. We all suck."

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 12th, 2004.

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, by Haruki Murakami:

Likable but slightly cranky fellow´s wife gets screwed by her brother. Likable but slightly cranky fellow goes out to find his cat and screws brother.

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 12th, 2004.

heavy people meet light people. not even the dog survives.
- the unbearable lightness of being - milan kundera

-- phips (conversationfea...), April 12th, 2004.

- motherless brooklyn. jonathan lethem

boy gets to work for mobster boss. boy grows older, is a mobster. mobster boss dies. boy (now mobster) finds out who did it.

-- maleen (malee...), April 12th, 2004.

women are toys. being rude to women is cool and everything is perishable except beer.

-- carolina (carolin...), April 12th, 2004.

- on the road, jack kerouac

women are toys. being rude to women is cool and everything is perishable except beer.

-- carolina (carolin...), April 12th, 2004.

I got 3 new short summaries for you ;-)

Isaac Asimov - Foundation (Trilogy)

Political business-novel. Scientists fighting over aristrocrats in the galaxy to rebuild it faster.

---
Neal Stephenson - Cryptonomicon

Techno-Pop and Cyber-Punk. Six different strands of acting (from WW2 up to today) become one. All about cryptography and political issues. Heavy.

---
Neal Stephenson - Diamond Age

Futuristic cyber-punk. Young girl gets grown up and taught only by an electronic book. Rise and fall of a whole system.

---
Well thats it ;-)

-- Sven Wagner (wagne...), April 13th, 2004.

the fifth gospel, or the devil's party in moscow.

don't fuck the devil... you might find yourself in odessa

only the good survive... do they?

(master and margerita by mikhail bulgakov)

-- karmeliter (karmelite...), April 13th, 2004.

Brother Of Sleep - Robert Schneider

endogamy made me a real good organ player.

-- drecksack (diarrhoe200...), April 13th, 2004.

Stupid White Men - Michael Moore

better be white...and rich...or move to europe

The Very Hungry Caterpillar - Eric Carle
egg, caterpillar, pupa, butterfly

-- drecksack (diarrhoe200...), April 13th, 2004.

You're ugly, you're alone, you're thirsty. You're a SON OF A BITCH on shining wheels!

-- Andreas Schleicher (die.raup...), April 13th, 2004.

Ham on Rye - Charles Bukowski

You're ugly, you're alone, you're thirsty. You're a SON OF A BITCH on shining wheels!

-- Andreas Schleicher (die.raup...), April 13th, 2004.

Vacuum Diagramms -- Stephen Baxter

500 Billion years, Entropy wins

-- isnochys (isnochy...), April 13th, 2004.

Das Boot -- Buchheim

war sucks, life in a submarine, too

-- isnochys (isnochy...), April 13th, 2004.

Apologia Sokratous -- Platon

democracy and justice don't work

-- isnochys (isnochy...), April 13th, 2004.

Odysse -- Homer

Don't mess with gods, or u'll stay on sea

-- isnochys (isnochy...), April 13th, 2004.

De bello gallico -- G.J. Caesar

wow, he is (I am) such a clever conqueror!!

-- isnochys (isnochy...), April 13th, 2004.

the nights dawn trilogy -- peter hamilton

sex leads to undead leads to sex

-- isnochys (isnochy...), April 13th, 2004.

Faust -- J.W. Goethe

u can fool Satan

-- isnochys (isnochy...), April 13th, 2004.

A Canticle For Leibowitz -- W.M. Miller

life's a loop..

-- isnochys (isnochy...), April 13th, 2004.

Joel-Peter Rifkin - "55"
If you are sick in the head, like photography, art and necrophilia - move to the mexican-american border.

-- s. pot. (spot1024...), April 13th, 2004.

"the rise and fall of the Third Reich" - William L. Shirer

The Third Reich rises at first and then falls *g* Nazis piss off!

-- s. pot. (spot1024...), April 13th, 2004.

Hunter S. Thomspon -- Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas

Two guys go to Las Vegas where they consume almost any drug known to mankind since 1492. When finished, they leave without getting into any trouble.

-- Matthew J. (MaxPower...), April 13th, 2004.

"the da vinci code" by dan brown

harvard symbol-geek searches a dead woman while beeing chased by a weird french o.O

-- lami (last_lame...), April 13th, 2004.

The End of History. Where do we stand? by Francis Fukuyama

American-style Democracy rulez. Capitalism rulez. Everything else sucks. Free Trade leads to American-style democracy. If it takes Dictatorship to make capitalism happen it´s OK.

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 13th, 2004.

Prey, by Michael Crichton:

Shit, my wife betrays me! Shit, my wife betrays me with a former colleage! Oh shit, both have become evil man-eating nanorobot-slaves! Screw them both!

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 13th, 2004.

Fiasko, by Stanislaw Lem:

Let´s go find some intelligent life forms and make first contact. What, they don´t want to? Too bad, then we´ll have to exterminate them all.

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 13th, 2004.

The Astronauts, by Stanislaw Lem:

Four Astronauts go to Venus. They tell a lot of anecdotes about science. Venus is a dead planet. What the f**k happened here?

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 13th, 2004.

Musashi, by Eiji Yoshikawa:

Boy becomes Samurai, kills a lot enemies and never gets laid once in the course of 1170 pages even though he had plenty of opportunity.

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 13th, 2004.

Stuff will happen exactly like THIS because you just threw yarrow stalks into the air. Greatness. Do not falter. The weak will fail. Persistence prevails.

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 13th, 2004.

Snowcrash, by Neal Stephenson:

Stylish Delivery Boy meets stylish Delivery Girl. They save the world. Stylish Delivery Boy gets foxy Hacker Girl. Mafia owes Stylish Delivery Girl a favour.

-- Meltdown1986 (pringle...), April 13th, 2004.

"Metamorphosis" by Kafka

A guy awakes, regrets it almost instantly for he has turned into a bug while sleeping. Terrorises his family. Gets what he deserves.

"Master and Margarete" by Bulgakov

Never fuck with Mephisto unless you are a good friend of Jesus. Than it'll work out.

"The Name Of The Rose"

Holmes and wAdson hit the middleages, solve the riddle and get rid of the old guy.

-- Strider (diktato...), April 13th, 2004.

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Fascists are to be fought. Commies/Republicans are dumb and/or cruel. One can not hinder the fascists to win, only die fighting them.

-- Engywuck (papamobi...), April 13th, 2004.

Rules for Summaries
(actually, a few modest hints, I'm a foreigner everywhere)

1. Describe, don't comment
2. Don't try to be smarter that the book you've read.
3. Always imagine your audience doesn't know the book.

hey, that are less than 25 words :-)

-- Nikolai W. Kutuzov (kutuzo...), April 13th, 2004.

I just want to tell you that you were mentioned in croatian largest internet portal as a very interested forum.www.klik.hr,but it's on croatian of course

-- josipa (demode5...), April 13th, 2004.

"Polite Lies: On Being a Woman Caught Between Cultures" by Kyoko Mori

Life in Japan: Mom kills self; hates everyone. Life in America: whines about Mom killing self; hates everyone.

-- Hoshi (chasingjami...), April 14th, 2004.

X/1999 series by CLAMP

It takes me over 1000 pages before I make a decision. Crap, now my best friend wants to kill me.

-- Hoshi (chasingjami...), April 14th, 2004.

-- Insomnia -- Stephen King

Fresh Widower faces colour trip by quitting sleeping. Discovers new dimensions. Saves all of them. Abandons new love dying in a pathetic self-sacrifice.

-- andrello (parabenzyn...), April 14th, 2004.

Softmachine / William S. Burroughs

Cock. Arse. Cum. Drugs. Southamerica. Human insects. More cocks. More cum. More drugs. All in a blender.

-- braccas (bracca...), April 14th, 2004.

Lolita / Vladimir Nabukov

Writer sexually obsessed by little girls. Marries mother, loves daughter. Mother dies. F**ks daughter. Drives around. Kills daughters secret pedophil lover.

-- braccas (bracca...), April 14th, 2004.

"Much ado about nothing" by Shakespeare

Messina 1600: Two couples like each other but can't show. They find together and the bads are killed or stopped.

-- rugger (rugge...), April 14th, 2004.

Return of the King, Tolkien

"Oi Gandalf! No! Why couldn't the giant eagles have flown us here in the first place?"

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), April 14th, 2004.

Schiller, Räuber

Young people frighten nuns.

Best regards,

rs

-- Ruben Schmelzer (liang-zh...), April 14th, 2004.

Homo Faber - Max Frisch

Man retuns from South America to Europe. By the way f***s own daughter. Meet her mom, notice what he've done.

-- Staenderhannes (spam.accoun...), April 15th, 2004.

Little people find jewellery that belongs to big people and travel miles to burn them.
-- dog latin (doglati...), February 24th, 2004.

Lord of The Rings -ha ha!

-- racheblue (racheblu...), April 15th, 2004.

The war is finally over and has left us all a bit fucked up. London is burning. What's the point of life anymore?

-- racheblue (racheblu...), April 15th, 2004.

7 habits of highly effective people
make a bunch of lists. Think about stuff. Brush your teeth. Get a haircut. Floss after meals. Numb the pain with drugs. Don’t talk to strangers.

I think that's the general gist of it... never read it properly. forgot to put it on my list.

-- napoleon bonaparte (sendmespam43...), April 15th, 2004.

*quote*
Rules for Summaries
(actually, a few modest hints, I'm a foreigner everywhere)

1. Describe, don't comment
2. Don't try to be smarter than the book you've read.
3. Always imagine your audience doesn't know the book.

*/quote off*

4. Don't follow any smart ass rules but do as you think it should be done

-- TN (thomasnolle...), April 15th, 2004.

'H' - Christiane F.
(True Story of)

Young girl, unhappy. Pot, heroin,. Prostitution, finds love. Best friend dies, moves to grandma’s, happy, unhappy, drugs. Back to city more drugs. Carries on living.

-- The_Mole (jimfromwiga...), April 16th, 2004.

Harry Potter by Joanne K. Rowling:
Young wizard is fighting against the bad wizards.

-- Franziska Tretter (FranziskaTrette...), April 17th, 2004.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov:

"Passionate feelings about young girls especially the one and only child Lolita don't ever let middle-aged Humbert Humbert rest. Pychologically great written in the victim's point of view. Unhappy, open end."

By the way, your forum/thread is mentioned in German DER SPIEGEL... as through the intire world-press I think :-)

-- Sven(-tertainer) Svensson (sve...), April 18th, 2004.

HeRMaNN HeSSe. SiDDHaRTHa.

Peace, man.
(or)
Don't eat and smile, you're in India.

-- pasjevic (noordun...), April 18th, 2004.

Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift

Man goes OTT concocting story as to why he was late home from the pub.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), April 18th, 2004.

I'll join the army. War is hell. People want wars. People are idiots. People are also selfish cruel pieces of sh*t. Proved again, again, again,...

-- Ingolfur Gislason (ingo...), April 18th, 2004.

Wild at Heart by Barry Gifford:

Southern White Trash break parole and act like idiots but its OK as they're Elvis fans.

-- Cornelius Murphy (steerpike8...), April 19th, 2004.

Lord of the Flies - William Golding.

Religious stuff. Hysteria. Hope no-one notices the cop-out deus ex machina ending.

The Chrysalids - John Wyndham.

Religious stuff. Hysteria. Hope no-one notices the cop-out deus ex machina ending.

-- Joseph Gurney (jdgurne...), April 20th, 2004.

"I Capture The Castle" - Dodie Smith

My artistic family's living in ruins. Enter American brothers, heirs.
My selfish sister dazzles both while I scribble deep thoughts and pine in my tower.

-- Helene Parry (heleneparr...), April 21st, 2004.

Any Harlan Coben mystery (with the possible exception of the Myron Bolitar ones): Five different stories are started. Someone disappears. A significant other of the disapearee solves finds them, tying up all loose ends in all five stories.

-- Rowie M (rowena_124...), April 23rd, 2004.

"Cry, the Beloved Country"

Murderer's father befriends victim's father and feels like shit for 320 pages.

-- Jay Sorensen (jsorense...), April 26th, 2004.

Stephen King - The Shining:

Don't let a borderline alcoholic psycho run a hotel built on an Indian graveyard. It's just asking for trouble.

-- Cornelius Murphy (steerpike8...), April 27th, 2004.

The Bible:

THE CHALLENGING TRUTH ABOUT THE PROPHESIED MESSIAH (JESUS, GOD'S OWN SON), WHO CAME, DIED FOR YOUR SIN, ROSE, WANTS TO TRANSFORM YOU INTO HIS IMAGE.

-- Matthias Fischer (mfnospa...), April 28th, 2004.

Thomas Mann - Der Zeuberberg (The Magic Mountain)

guy goes for a visit into the mountains, feels a little sick, stays for years.

-- charly Ey (charly_e...), April 28th, 2004.

James Joyce - Ulysses

walking around - nothing much to do - boring other people - why not leave out punctuation at the end, just for fun? It´s art, is it?

-- Thorsten Hohnrath (thorstenhohnrat...), April 29th, 2004.

Terminator

Booom, bang, completely distruction wwhoaaar!!!

-- Tom Malone (t.pettenkofe...), April 29th, 2004.

Cross Stitch - Diana Gabaldon
Claire meets husband in Scotland after worldwar, magicly back in time 400 years, meets rebel, great love, witnesses scottish history unfold, helps applying 20century knowledge.

-- Nelly Mc Causland (ne.mccauslan...), May 2nd, 2004.

Austin Powers 1

Groovie man shags groovie ladys. Save the world by shaggin all over.
Behave!

-- Tom Malone (t.pettenkofe...), May 2nd, 2004.

Christoph Ransmayer "Die letzte Welt"

A freaky Austrian describes a stone on 3o pages, the next 100 pages are about the mountain in the back of the little village tomi. a copy of the metamorphosis of Ovid...

-- daniel cupla (dr.dna...), May 2nd, 2004.

Enduring Love, Ian McEwan

First man pursued by crazy second man is understandably annoyed when wife fails to believes him. A hostage situation later the first man realises that even when he's right, he's wrong.

-- Kate Emery (gemer...), May 3rd, 2004.

I know it's a play, but I couldn't resist: Angels in America.

America sucks. So do Mormons.

-- Mariposa Takana (lyrarocksmysock...), May 4th, 2004.

The Old Man and The Sea:

There is an old man. Old man talks to himself. Catches fish. Talks to fish. Loses fish. Carries mast on his back. Falls asleep (or dies, whichever).

Ernest Hemingway: Did I mention the mast resembles a CROSS?!

-- Mariposa Takana (lyrarocksmysock...), May 4th, 2004.

Thomas Pynchon "V."
Everybody is there: Bodine, Profane & Stencil... V. is also there...but who or what is V.? And what is happening around us? Just a problem of teeth?...(Was Kilroy there?)and remember Wittgenstein!

-- Thorsten Hohnrath (thorstenhohnrat...), May 4th, 2004.

Lolita - V. Nabokov

La desidero, la cerco, la trovo, la uso.
Mi getta.
Uccido, e scrivo.

-- camilla rupolo (camillarupol...), May 4th, 2004.

Life of Pi - Yann Martel

Ship sinks. On the lifeboat kid is stuck with tigar, hyena, zebra and orangutan. Lands in Mexico. At the end the animals where actually humans.

-- hrvoje horbec (hhorbe...), May 6th, 2004.

The Physicists by Friedrich Durrenmatt
there is brilliant physist hiding in an insane asylum, hes there to keep his work safe from the world. everyone who was sane in the beginning is crazy, and vice versa!

-- kat bathon (skinnykitte...), May 6th, 2004.

A monkey books a hotel room. Then he has a few things to do. When he gets there he is an old men.

-- Neri Fadigati (erinue...), May 6th, 2004.

Macbeth

Man is fooled by witches. He believes it and kills everybody to become king. People get angry and one very angry man kills him.

-- Jaya (bowry.cjk...), May 14th, 2004.

Macbeth

Three´witches tell a man, that he will be king of scotland, so he kills the king to be king and gets killed.

-- Eva (mila_superstar8...), May 14th, 2004.

Star Trek: Nemesis

Good baldy beats cloned baldy. The android dies.

-- jenethan (momen...), May 15th, 2004.

Jacopo Ortis-Ugo Fosco

A depressed and poor man takes political refuge in countryside. he fall in love. the girl have to marry a rich man. he kills himself.

-- GiuliaBruno (giulia_brun...), May 16th, 2004.

THE TWO TOWERS - J.R.R. Tolkien
'Cunning' king hides in fort with entire civilian population while his kingdom is overrun -defends fort with 300 old men & children. When an ally kingdom is attacked he gathers up in haste a great army and goes to the rescue - of the OTHER KINGDOM... ???

-- Nenad Stojkovic (skyscapen...), May 19th, 2004.

THE BIBLE
God kills a bunch of people, even newborns. Then repents and sends his inoccent son to the slaughter. Make love not war. 2000 years later Mel Gibson makes a kind of video-clip movie about it. THE END

-- Stojkovic (skyscapen...), May 19th, 2004.

THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY - OSCAR WILD
'Brad Pitt' hides a picture in his house. When he looks at it he dies. Much before this 'Jennifer Aniston' dies in a depressing theather-house.
In the middle we see how O.W. is witty & clever & gay...

-- N.S. (Skyscapen...), May 19th, 2004.

chinese students, who are sent for reeducation, educate a farmer chick. she then recognizes that she can have whoever she wants. life is shit!

-- D.S. (mrcottonsparo...), May 28th, 2004.

Agatha Christie-Murder at the Orient Express.

Man gets murdered on a train. A Belgian solves the crime. Everybody has done it.

-- Frode Andersen (frode....), June 9th, 2004.

The Time Machine - H. G. Wells

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

-- Mark Klobas (mark.kloba...), June 13th, 2004.

Catcher in the rye:

He doesn't like anything, only his little sister.

-- Tatiana Marzi (paplov...), June 16th, 2004.

The Fellowship of the Ring (1st instalment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy) - J R R tolkien

The beginning of a War long awaited. An astounding, awe-inspiring tale of wizards, elves, halflings, fighting for the freedom of a realistic, beautiful, extraordinary world.

--- Paddy, June 19th, 2004

-- Patrick Terence Joseph Dobbin (aragornelessar...), June 19th, 2004.

Haruki Murakami's Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

Man's wife disappears, so he decides to follow every lead - even leads into other "dimensions." He learns vague things about the world, little about his wife.

-- David Elinsky (d...), June 20th, 2004.

Schiller - Das Lied von der Glocke

Hole in the ground, put some silver in !
Bell is finished, ring, ring, ring !

-- Peter Christener (pkrai...), June 20th, 2004.

I was here.
Where were you?
Be back soon.
-Godot-

-- Joelle Burdette (sparkle...), June 20th, 2004.

ok, so it's not a novel, but I couldn't resist.

-- sparkle j (sparkle...), June 21st, 2004.

Neil Gaiman -The Sandman (vols. 1 to 11):

Dream: "I'm the bee's knees."
Others: "No you're not."
"Damn -guess I'll just have to kill myself then."

(I know, technically they're graphic novels and not novels but, come on, let's not allow ourselves to be, um, stifled by restrictive and arbitrary labels!...)

-- RR (restandre...), June 22nd, 2004.

Lord of the Rings

Wagner meets Warhammer?

-- Nick Stiven (nstive...), June 27th, 2004.

The Tailor of Panama (John Le Carre)

Dodgy spy bullies tailor, gets told rubbish, shags tailors wife, starts war, nicks all the cash, runs away. Little people don't matter in espionage game.

E (Matt Beaumont)
Advertising staff spend all time drinking, inhaling, shagging. When company goes tits-up, older responsible staff get sacked. How very post modern?

-- Cornelius Murphy (steerpike8...), June 29th, 2004.

The Outsider- Albert Camus

Don't fear the reaper.

-- Poseiden (nobod...), July 19th, 2004.

Any book by Dan Brown
Heroine's fatherfigure is murdered/murder suspect/murderer. Mayhem ensues. Erudite hero comes to her rescue collecting/solving HanselandGretelish clues on the way. God is real...or is He?

-- Supergoddess (jinxthibadeau...), July 22nd, 2004.

Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh

Many people on boat. Having alighted, chaos and debauchery ensues. Many people meet again under doubtful circumstances. War begins. Youth are irrevocably changed. Fini.

-- Lucy Aughney (Lucy_aughne...), August 25th, 2004.

The Unconsoled by Kazuo Ishiguro

Man wanders round a city. Everyone is confused.

-- Wooden (josephgoode...), August 25th, 2004.

Billy pilgrim has come unstuck in time. War is bad. So it goes.

-- Wooden (josephgoode...), August 26th, 2004.

Also, there are some aliens.

-- Wooden (josephgoode...), August 26th, 2004.

Denial - Keith Ablow

Psychiatrist has a lot of sex, takes a lot of cocaine and realizes his girlfriend is really evil. He's sad.

-- Oliver Thomas (amen...), September 2nd, 2004.

Projection - Keith Ablow

Psychiatrist has a lot of sex, takes some cocaine and realizes Trevor Lucas is sick. He's exhausted.

-- Oliver Thomas (amen...), September 2nd, 2004.

The Wave - Morton Rhue

Megalomanic teacher introduces national socialism to school, gets dicator and loses control.

-- Oliver Thomas (amen...), September 3rd, 2004.

The man fights the wolf. The wolf fights the man. They discover that there are many more to fight against.

-- Tavi (octavian_ionasc...), September 9th, 2004.

The Steppenwolf - Hermann Hesse

The man fights the wolf. The wolf fights the man. They discover that there are many more to fight against.

-- Tavi (octavian_ionasc...), September 9th, 2004.

Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury

Young man discovers that goose-stepping morons like him ought to be reading books instead of burning them.

-- Mark Klobas (mark.kloba...), September 10th, 2004.

The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

Be a shepard. Have a wet dream. Travel. Make money. Learn how to summon a sandstorm. Understand nothing. Return home. Good book.

-- Watt (chrone...), September 11th, 2004.

Veronica Decides To Die - Paulo Coelho

Spoiled brat decides to die. She doesn't. The end. Good book.

-- Watt (chrone...), September 11th, 2004.

The New Confessions - William Boyd

Promising film maker hangs out with various historical figures and is captured in the First World War. Talent is greatly under-appreiciated by all, and he fails to live up to his potential.

Any Human Heart - William Boyd

Promising writer hangs out with various historical figures and is captured in the Second World War. Talent is greatly under-appreiciated by all, and he fails to live up to his potential.

-- Wooden (josephgoode...), September 12th, 2004.

Oops, just realised those are both too long.

-- Wooden (josephgoode...), September 12th, 2004.

Gould's Book of Fish - Richard Flannigan

Don't become too interested in fish or you might turn into one.

The Dispossessed - Ursula Le Guin

Anarchy sucks. Capitalism sucks harder.

-- Wooden (josephgoode...), September 12th, 2004.

The Moviegoer - Walker Percy

Well-bred New Orleans stock-broker experiences existential crisis, hooks up with step-cousin.

-- Will (wvferrel...), September 20th, 2004.

WHEN WE WERE ORPHANS - Kaziou Ishiguru
"I have a burning need to find my Japanese childhood friend. I wish the fucking japanese would stop fucking Shanghai while i do it!"

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), September 30th, 2004.

SOUL MUSIC - Terry Pratchett
DEATH: What's life all about when you get right down to it?
SUSAN DEATH: Damn, my grandad really did have bony knees
MUSIC WITH ROCKS IN: Mwwwhaaaahh, i will contro, this world!!
DEATH:I dont know, i play a pretty awsome guitar.

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), September 30th, 2004.

THE LAST CONTINENT - Terry Pratchett
"What are the harmless animals in Fourecks where the spiders have killed all the snakes, there are talking kangaroos, it never rains and Rincewind is currently stranded?... Some of the Sheep."

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), September 30th, 2004.

Babbit by Sinclair Lewis

Even my midlife crisis is mundane.

-- Hurting (Hurtingchie...), October 1st, 2004.

Atonement

Im sure there is a storyline in there somewhere. (Or so says my sister)

-- Meredith Lane (mlane0...), October 20th, 2004.

The Shrouded Mirror

Girl works for rich girl. Loves rich brother. Evil dead witch try to kill her from inside a mirror. Has this been done before?

-- Ellen Lane (elane0...), October 20th, 2004.

That last one was by me i just forgot to change the name. Sorry!

-- Meredith Lane (mlane0...), October 20th, 2004.

Star Trek: Nemesis

Who cares? You can by the collectors edition on DVD!

-- Meredith Lane (mlane0...), October 20th, 2004.

Uno,nessuno e centomila(One,nobody and one hundred thousand) - Luigi Pirandello

Man gets crazy,rebuilds his Ego and divorces.All because of his odd nose.

-- Godel (bc...), October 31st, 2004.

La locandiera - Carlo Goldoni

A sexy woman will seduce three men in her own hostel,and eventually marry the younger/earnest one.

-- Godel (bc...), October 31st, 2004.

The importance of being Earnest - Oscar Wilde

Masterpiece.Two aristocratic,idiot but sexy ladies will get married with two not-so-earnest guys,one of them is in fact Earnest.

-- Godel (bc...), October 31st, 2004.

Patrick Melrose Trilogy (aka Some Hope) by Edward St. Aubyn

Abused aristo toddler with bent pop and soak mum does junk in NY, quits, meets royalty, lives to tell all.

-- novella (luc...), November 1st, 2004.

You nasty lot, people die if you're not nice. -- AN INSPECTOR CALLS

Don't trust women, you get screwed over on the deal -- DOUBLE INDEMNITY

Hate is love, there is no god. Shit, God just killed my lover, I hate him. -- END OF THE AFFAIR

-- Kitsenburger (kgmande...), November 2nd, 2004.

Look back in anger - John Osborne

Jimmy stays on the couch yelling,Alison irons.Then they(a bear and a squirrel)come back together.

-- Godel (bc...), March 2nd, 2005.

Anything by Paul Auster

Satirical comment on America and moral values. Main character will die at the end.

-- Bylco (at.o...), March 15th, 2005.

Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

Annoying boy asks for more food, then becomes involved in an unfeasibly interwined story where he turns out to be related to his benefactor.

-- Bylco (at.o...), March 15th, 2005.

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

-- Bylco (at.o...), March 15th, 2005.

Romeo and Juliet by Bill Shakespeare

Underage kids get hots for each other. There's an unfortunate breakdown in communications leading to joint suicides. Their famillies feel bad.

-- Bylco (at.o...), March 15th, 2005.

Harry Potter by J. K. Rowling

Inconfident orphan joins forces with wise-cracking pal, bossy intelligent girl and large hairy creature to fight forces of evil. Basically it's Star Wars with wizards.

-- Bylco (at.o...), April 11th, 2005.

Losing my virginity by Richard Branson
Took risks made money, some balloon flights in between.

-- Fred-not logged in (f...), April 11th, 2005.

Sons & Lovers

Precocious, arty boy consciously loves aspirational mum; subconsciously prefers instinctive dad. Fucks girl like mum but hates it. Mum dies. Starts to work it out.

-- frankiemachine (franki...), April 11th, 2005.

man is sad, finds a girl, buys some glass, fucks the girl, drinks some alcohol, fucks the girl, gets brainwashed, dies

-- burn your friends (dssiiblf...), May 14th, 2005.

1984?

-- A homunculus of Darby Crash, .... created for the purposes of *EVIL* (showroo...), May 14th, 2005.

We weren't lovers like that By Navtej Sarna
Man's wife leaves him, he thinks about her, thinks about his past life. Keeps thinking
Five point someone by Chetan Bhagat
Three friends in Indian Institute of Technology, try to steal exam papers, gets caught.
Q and A by Vikas Swarup
An illitrate waiter goes to the game show "who will bin a billion", wins the prize, gets arrested on charges of cheating, tells his life story.

-- Fred (fred.99854...), May 20th, 2005.

Dom Quixote - Miguel de Cervantes

Quixote -I'm crazy because i read books. I'm well. I'm dead.

-- Bruno Cabral (bucabra...), June 5th, 2005.

La Femme de trente ans by Honore de Balzac:

"Poor dopey marquis.
If you'd only learned cunnilingus
Your kid wouldn't be a pirate queen."

-- Ann Sterzinger (asterzinge...), June 7th, 2005.

DisneyWar -

Reporter James Stewart (who is Goofy, briefly) takes great pains to explain the situation at Disney Headquarters, focussing on Eisner, Katzenberg, Wells, and Gold.

-- Remy (rem...), June 8th, 2005.

wow your all soo cool

-- chris micke (chrismick...), June 20th, 2005.

i smell of poo

-- gregory murray (who_am_i38...), June 20th, 2005.

THE HITCHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
GOD:"I refuse to prove i exist becfause proof denies faith and without faith I am nothing."
MAN:"But the babel fish is a dead give-away, it proved you exist so therefore you don't."
GOD:"Oh, i had'nt thought of that"
*and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic*
-I know this is way more than 25 words but i could'nt resist, this quote tells you everything you need to know about the book and Douglas Adams.

-- Shutruk Nahunte (lane006...), June 21st, 2005.

Walker Percy, Thanatos Syndrome

Psychiatrist comes back from jail. Former patient 'presents' herself. Sodium nefariously dumped into water supply. School a front for child porn. Happy ending.

-- Suzy Creemcheese (LostMyLogi...), June 21st, 2005.

The old man and the sea - Ernest Hemingway

No one thinks I've got it any more. Woa, that's a big fish. Catch it then sharks eat it. Bummer. Young boy still likes me.

-- Kookaburra (nospa...), August 12th, 2005.

Gone with the wind

She loves Ashley but she marries Rhett that leaves her because he thinks that she still loves Ashley. At the end she remains alone with a ground fist.

-- Tatiana Marzi (paplov...), August 31st, 2005.

Oklahoma land overfarmed to hell, plus drought. Drive to California a la Beverly Hillbillies. OK, but not enough jobs. Laissez faire don't work. Got milk?

The Grapes of Wrath

-- already disheveled hair projection (minksof...), August 31st, 2005.

Vile Bodies: Evelyn Waugh
Young aristocrats party, drink and shag. Earn money. Lose money. No marriage. One goes bonkers. And then there was, like, the war and someone died.

-- salexander (silva11...), September 12th, 2005.

The Moor's Last Sigh: Rushdie
There was a garden called Eden. Two sexy beasts sinned in aforesaid garden. Wait, this sounds familiar. Oh dear, I must stop plagiarising people like God. It's so obvious.

-- salexander (silva11...), September 13th, 2005.

Huh? Isn't that the one where the guy ages at twice the normal rate?

-- pr00de, where's my car? (wor...), September 14th, 2005.

That's right, but it's also saturated with a Christian allegory right from the beginning. 'Moor' even describes himself as a modern 'Lucifer' fallen from grace; the book can be read as an equation of sin, fall and attempted redemption. The protagonist falls due to a relationship with a temptress (ie 'Eve') which causes the destruction of his relationship with his family. Anyway, Rushdie's well-known for his pomo/poco parodies, hybridities, intertextualities etc etc etc Sorry to seem pretentious!

-- salexander (silva11...), September 14th, 2005.

Oh no, it's cool. It's been a few years since I've read it and didn't remember that opening part. I'm not surprised at all, though.

-- pr00de, where's my car? (wor...), September 14th, 2005.

Just thought of another one, have only just rediscovered this site.
Jude: Thomas Hardy
Marriage is very bad: don't do it! It is an evil bourgeois contract designed to trap free spirits. End up miserable and die alone instead.

-- salexander (silva11...), September 14th, 2005.

The Stranger, Camus

If I hadn't killed that Arab I could be getting laid right now.

-- Dan Dotson (dotsonda...), September 19th, 2005.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Drink mixture. Change into another evil side. Kill everyone and than yourself. Leave clues behind to freak everyone out.

-- mandy starr (queen_mang...), October 10th, 2005.

Stephen King's "Pet Sematary"

Dad burys dead cat; it comes back scary. Dad burys dead son; he comes back scarier. Dad burys dead wife - really should have known better.

-- Jillian Anthony (litloverj...), October 27th, 2005.

… a guy called Kid(d) has weird sex, writes poetry, joins a bunch of scorpions there's a new moon, 'George' everything in Bellona is broken and a guy called Kid(d) has weird sex, writes poetry, joins a bunch of scorpions there's a new moon, 'George' everything in Bellona is broken and a guy called Kid(d) has weird sex, writes poetry, joins a bunch of scorpions there's a new moon, 'George' everything in Bellona is broken and a guy called Kid(d) has weird sex, writes poetry, joins a bunch of scorpions there's a new moon, 'George' everything in Bellona is broken and …

-- Remy (rem...), October 27th, 2005.

The Go-Between, by L.P. Hartley

Upon discovery of a childhood notebook, a man's memory is jogged, Proust-style, causing him to relive a long-repressed, displaced and class-inflected Oedipal drama.

I posted a version of this last December, but it went missing.

-- k/l (lauter...), October 28th, 2005.

Virgina Woolf: ORLANDO

Guy turns inexplicable into a woman. No one seems to notice for 400 years. In the end baby is born. Who's the mother?

-- Rux Dum (rux_du...), November 3rd, 2005.

Io uccido, di Giorgio Faletti.

Un terribile serial killer è imprendibile, perchè minaccia sempre i potenziali testimoni: se non ci dici niente agli inquirenti, ti regalo un bel giumbotto.

Ma la metropoli è piccola, e la gente MORMORA.

Ok. E' troppo difficile?

-- fiorenzo desiderio (geertgeertsz-moria...), November 5th, 2005.

City of Glass by Paul Auster

I'm going to get to the bottom of the mystery of ... what was I doing again?

-- Hurting (Hurtingchie...), November 6th, 2005.

Music of Chance by Paul Auster

I'm going on a long road trip so I can ... what was I doing again?

-- Hurting (Hurtingchie...), November 6th, 2005.

fvjh ugy h

-- miy wong (lo...), November 28th, 2005.

lol women be wanting rights, men don't care - tell funny stories. clerk licks asshole.

-- The Canterbury Tales

-- Mickey (mi...), November 29th, 2005.

who are you? i hate you. o shit this is hell lol. this sux. girl2girl lez sex?

-- No Exit, Sartre

(I don't care if it's not a novel, it's one of my favorite works of literature)

-- Mickey (mi...), November 29th, 2005.

The Neon Bible - John Kennedy Toole
Kid in small town. Dad goes to war, dies. Mom goes nuts, dies, gets buried in back yard. Preacher comes by to take her to take her to mental ward, gets PWNED. Kid runs off. mookbook . . .

-- ddasd (dum...), December 7th, 2005.

100 years of solitude- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

was swamp, teen pregnancy the norm, juntas, pestolence, endless rain, names irrelevant in a latin kind of way, society dissolves into what returns to swamp.

(I only included this review because the other review wasnt 25 words)

-- johnson jackson chaffin (self_retarding_machin...), January 14th, 2006.

watchfiends and rack screams // antonin artaud

human phallus, french poop sex, priests = asses, naked, utterly batshit, still french, syphillitic delerium, lots of talk about "god's cunt" still french. dead. still french.

-- johnson jackson chaffin (self_retarding_machin...), January 14th, 2006.

dalton trumbo // johnny got his gun

soldier blown up, can't communicate, remembers code, asks to die. too bad its before movies were invented:
in the movie version they help him die.

-- johnson jackson chaffin (self_retarding_machin...), January 14th, 2006.

Practically every novel John le Carre has written:

Charming but unbalanced spy/diplomat goes off the rails. Dies, preferably in ironic manner.

-- chap who would dare to work for the man (joe.goode...), January 15th, 2006.

muppet movie picture book //

frog seeks stardom in Los Angeles, seduces bilingual pig, befriends studebaker-driving bear, rainbow-centric songs, suck-free cameos, no muppets end up turning tricks on Sunset Boulevard.

-- johnson jackson chaffin (self_retarding_machin...), January 16th, 2006.

I'm in search of the novel called oliver thwist, the somary of it

-- agbams ugochukwu (uagbam...), February 10th, 2006.

Brutally honest and emotionally charged, it tells the story of Oliver Twist. Oliver is a boy, raised by his prostitute mother. In an endearingly perverse way to earn his mother’s respect and love, he sets out to join the ‘lot lizards’, selling himself for sex to truckers in the local parking lot. So with curly blonde Shirley Temple curls, Oliver, clad in a short leather skirt, and adopting his mother’s name ‘Sarah’, does just that.

-- tom west (u3i0...), February 10th, 2006.

These are all the books we've read so far in my English class. See if you can spot the pattern.

Beloved by Morrison:
Slavery sucked. My sons ran away and I'm haunted by my baby's ghost. HOLY SHIT SHE'S BACK! Wait, where are we? Hey, she killed her daughter!

The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald:
Friend changes his life for a girl. She's married to a rich racist. I'm in the middle and I don't care. Money will kill you.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Twain:
Slavery sucks. I'm too racist to like this guy. I'm having an adventure to escape my evil dad. Oh crap I've been caught.

Native Son by Wright:
Racism still sucks. African-American kid in Chicago accidentally kills a white girl. That must mean all black people suck! Long speech in trial explains everything.

And now just for fun, two novellas by me. The first one is available at www.cyberheroez.inetgames.com and the second is in progress

Cyber Heroez:
Teenage nerd based on author goes into video game world, uses powers to fight giant glove. Almost dies, and his brother cries. Magically has idea.

The Centaur:
In the future, things are normal. Weird scientist mistakes fantasy for history and changes the world. Centaur finds him, tells him how much life sucks.

-- UnknownWarrior33 (unknownwarrior3...), March 4th, 2006.

Johnny Tremain:
The revolutionary war had no technology, tanks, or drill seargents. Maybe a deformed guy will make it interesting. No? Well, it was worth a try.

-- UnknownWarrior33 (UnknownWarrior3...), March 4th, 2006.

The Animorphs series:
Kids and aliens turn into animals to fight smaller aliens that crawl into your head and take over your body. Series' end screwed everything up.

-- UnknownWarrior33 (unknownwarrior3...), March 4th, 2006.

The Elementary Particles by Michel Houellebecq-

One scientist brother, one horny brother. Women they can't love wither and die. Finally men are extinct, cloned women inherit world. Is that an apology?

-- Beth Parker (marthasminion...), March 4th, 2006.

The entire history of the human race:

War, hate, disease, famine, poverty, anger, rioting, rape, crime, theft, terrorism, racism, sexism, homophobia, drug addiction, fear and I got laid last night. Thouroghruly worthwhile.

-- Rob Wright A.K.A. Ned the viking (Rob_s_wrigh...), March 18th, 2006.

Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men"

Don't bother reading this, just pinch yourself and chop onions till you cry.

-- Rob Wright A.K.A. Ned the viking (rob_s_wrigh...), March 18th, 2006.

Romeo and Juliet
2 14 year olds meet and marry in three days. They relise what a mistake they have made and kill themselves

-- Brita (brewel...), April 4th, 2006.

A journey of friendship. The temptation. To destroy the one ring.

-- frodo baggins (thelor...), April 25th, 2006.